Sincerely

Come and open up your folding chair next to me...

2011-05-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

I got a tumblr. Go to ellisbelle.tumblr.com and bookmark that thang, because so far it looks like it might take over this blog. This blog is old school, and tumblr does fancy things. Not that I'm shutting down the good old Blogger, but just be warned that it might start to wane. Not that much goes on here anyway, but yeah. You get the idea.

I love you, little blog readers.

I'm ready for summertime.

Welcome to existence...

2011-04-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

I survived the funeral. I say that as if I had another option, other than surviving. What else was I going to do? Die? Not go? Whine and drag my feet? That’s dumb. Of course I survived the funeral. It was sad, and basically horrible, but it was also good and I hugged a lot of old friends and there was just a lot of love there. I am thankful that the family of the little boy who passed away is leaning on the only real hope there is, Christ and the hope he offers us, that we’re living for a purpose and He holds us together.

After the funeral I went thrifting and bought some jeans. Thrifting is seriously one of the best things ever. I wish I had taken a picture of the incredible purple vintage dress I found, but I didn’t even think of it, nor did I buy the dress, although I think I maybe should have because it was awesome. Purple with flowers and lots of bunchy puff-sleeved ’80s awesomeness. I went to Gong Fu tea after I had my little bout of retail therapy, drank some kind of life-changing tea that was insanely, miraculously delicious called Cloud Nine, and then walked around the East Village for a while to kill time because I put too much change in the parking meter, and when laundry is $1.25 to wash and another $1.25 to dry, quarters are absolutely not to be wasted. Then I came home and watched Dr. Phil while I folded my laundry. This is how I have managed to survive today, thus far. I’m going to continue to survive by going to the store to get a screwdriver so that I can put my blinky butt safety light on my bicycle, and to get something yummy to take to a grill out tonight with a group of people known as the Supermodels, and then I’ll go to said grill out and I will eat massive quantities of meat and I will laugh a lot and possibly cry. I rarely cry, so if that happens it will be a big deal.

If you read this whole thing, I love you.

Am I gonna be alright? because it doesn't feel that way, no, not today...

2011-04-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

This past week has been weird.

I wish I could explain to people how terrifying it is to know that you should have an emotional reaction to something, and to then have not have one. Or to have one that you are completely unable to understand or identify or express.

On Monday I have to go to a funeral for a 7-year-old little boy. The world is a really effed up place when you have to go to a funeral for a child.

The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods...

2011-04-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

Art is right, my blog needs an update.

Laura stayed for a grand total of almost THREE WEEKS! It was a fun time, but her hubby needed her and so now I'm all alone again, with my kitty and my fishy. It's not so bad.

I have 7 holes in my ears right now. Yeah. Getting crazy.

My mind has been especially insane lately. My brain is literally just goinggoinggoinggoing all the time, and I get tired of that. It goes psycho sometimes more than usual.

I wish I was better at writing songs about God and my faith. I feel like my songs about God start to sound so stupid, like every other worship song, and it makes me kind of mad so then I throw them away. I don't like worship music a lot of the time because it all sounds the same. The lyrics are the same, the music is the same, the sentiment is the same. I appreciate the music at DTC because they play a lot of really cool, unique songs for worship that speak a lot of truth and go a little deeper. But as far as writing about God, it's somehow a lot more difficult for me than writing about other stuff. So anyway. Random topic there but I was thinking about it.

Galatians is really good. I finished it this week. You should go read it and learn lots.

It's really late and I'm not very good at thinking of new information about me. Sorry about that.

My taxes are filed. Yay!

Frosted animal crackers are straight from heaven.

Today I went out with Elle. We got coffee. Then, we went to her grandparents house and hung out with Dave. Then we all three went to the mall, and shopshopshopped, and then Elle and I got Uncle Wendell's Barbecue which is so delicious, and then I went to church. It was a good day. And tomorrow will be good too, because I am going to fill it up with lovely people.

I have to wake up in 5 hours to get coffee with Chrissy. I don't like having to wake up so soon. I looooove coffee with Chrissy though, so it's totally worth it.

In two weeks I get a new phone, and I am soooo excited.

The end.

Mara

I won't say everything is right, it's not right, I don't see everything as right...

2011-03-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have a roommate. My deardeardear friend Laura is staying with me for a while while her really rad husband Andrew finishes being a computer nerd in Florida, and then he's going to move out to Des Moines as well and we'll all be best buddies. But for real, I love them to pieces so I'm so excited to have Laura here. We are having a lot of fun being roommates. Except she has been dying of some flu virus grossness, but I think she's getting better. A doctor gave her some drugs so that seems to indicate that the situation is going to improve. Anyway, we have gone on a few adventures and it has been pretty great, and I'm pretty sure we'll do all the adventures over when Andrew moves out here since I'm sure he'll think they're the lamest thing ever. I love it.

My kitty loves Laura more than me. Because Laura has been sick and at home all week while I've been bringing home the bacon. So unfair. *sniff*

The new Eisley album is so far pretty great.

Did you know that the Panera downtown closes at 8? How weird is that? What a horrible time to close.

Tonight Laura and I watched the movie Salt with Angelina Jolie. It was alright. We sat through it and even made fun of it some, and at the end I decided it had sufficiently entertained me for two hours, and that's really all I care about anymore in regards to movies. Movies just suck anymore. I haven't seen a good movie in a long time, with the exception of Inception, because Christopher Nolan is a genius.

My awesome big brotherfriend Patrick is coming over tomorrow. I told him I'd cook him food. That may have been a bad thing to say. We will have either tilapia or chicken, I decided, because those are the only things I really cook. If it can't be cooked on a George Foreman, microwave, or a saucepan I usually don't have anything to do with it. Not that I can't cook. I just don't. So maybe it's good that I said I'd cook him lunch because then I actually have to cook something and it'll be good practice. Or something like that.

I've decided this week that I really like Regina Spektor's music. She's weird and quirky and bizarre. I'm into those kinds of things. I bought her album Far, and Eet and Machine are my favorite songs so far.

Time to sleep. I hope you friends enjoyed my ramblings.

Love,
Mara

You would be the last thing I saw coming...

2011-02-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

I got a cat. Off of Craigslist. Her name is Maleficent. She's cute and she likes to explore her new 300 square foot stomping grounds. My apartment is a far cry from the fancy house she lived in in Ankeny, but she seems to like it here. I don't know. She likes me, I think. And she hasn't peed on anything, so that's good.

I'm performing for an event at Grand View on March 5th. It's called Rock4Hope, and it's going to be cool, and you should go. I don't know what time. Sorry. You'll just have to make it up.

I got baptized tonight. The Lord is good.

I overthink a lot of life.

I need to sleep.

Goodnight.

What you don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for you...

2011-02-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've literally had "Grenade" by Bruno Mars stuck in my head since Monday. For real. But this isn't just random. I don't usually get cheesy pop R&B songs stuck in my head for days at a time. It takes something pretty amazing for this to happen to me. So, now that you're wondering, let me fill you in on how all this song stickage came about.

A few weeks ago at bible study Matt made the announcement that Monday, February 14th would be a bible study hang out night, except that it was special. In honor of Valentine's Day, the boys were going to make dinner for the ladies. Us girls were told we needed to get all "gussied up" for a special night the guys were planning. In my high school days (soooo long ago. right.) the girls in my youth group typically made up some cookies and got some candy and made bags of treats for the boys, as a little Valentine's surprise, so I was kind of excited to have the dudes be the thoughtful ones for a change. (no offense, high school dude friends...you did lots of special things for us ladies too)

So a couple of weeks went by, and in that time the girls of course got together and decided what we were all going to wear, how we would do our hair, all those very important girly things. Then, Valentine's Day came, and just as the guys had told us to, the ladies got all cute and dressed up. When we all drove up and met up with each other to go inside (I was there first, because I'm a total lamewad, so I sat in the car and waited for the other girls...no way was I going in by myself) we were greeted at the door by Jesse, the doorman, and then by a line of our men standing by in suits and ties, who then proceeded to escort us to our places at the table, which was beautifully decorated. Ryne and Joel poured all us girls some sparkly juice, and the rest of the guys served us a delicious meal that Dave had cooked, followed by cheesecake that Paul made. There was a slideshow of photos that someone had stolen from our facebooks (I accuse Paul Joy) which was super hilarious, but really fun to watch, and Michael Buble was on in the background.

So, we enjoyed our lovely meal, and after our dessert plates had been cleared and we had all commended the boys on their wonderful serving skills, Tyler walked to the middle of the room and announced that the guys had written a letter to the Supermodel ladies. He read it to us, and it was really, really lovely and sweet. They basically sat down and made a list of why they love us. Totally awesome. It was really sweet and I might have almost cried a little. Maybe. But only a tiny bit of almost.

So, before you start to think "Wow, what a great little dinner! It couldn't have possibly been awesomer!" Let me just tell you that what happened next may have been the greatest thing that could have possibly happened ever in the universe. Matt picked up his guitar, which had been propped up in the corner and had a couple of us wondering what on earth they were going to do. He walked out in front of our table and announced that he was going to play us a song. He tried to lie and say he'd written it, but he couldn't take himself seriously at all, so he just started laughing. Then he got serious again and said he just really wanted us girls to be blessed so he was going to play for us. He started playing a little riff that sounded sort of familiar, and the anticipation was making us all tense, and then all at once with the music the men all spun out of their chairs and started snapping. It was the most hilarious thing ever. So, they're standing in a semicircle and are snapping while Matt plays this riff. The girls are laughing. They guys are stifling laughter. And then they all start to sing...

"Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give..."

And the girls all died. We sing this song to each other ALL THE TIME, just because it's so hilarious. And they sang the whole thing, with actions, and totally pwned it. They even changed the lyrics to the last chorus to be about us.

"You know, I'd go ice skating with ya
Go to an Energy game with ya
Play four-on-a-couch with ya
You know we'd do anything for ya..."

It was so great. We were laughing so hard. And yet even though it was hilarious, it was really sweet too. The other day I was talking to Cara, and I said that as cheesy and dumb as it sounds, Matt, Tyler, Paul, Joel, Jesse, Jordan, and Ryne were up there singing that last line of "we'd do anything for ya..." and I believed them. They would do anything for us. We're their sisters, and they love us, and when it comes down to it, they would do anything.

It was the best Valentine's Day I've ever had, ever in my entire life. So rad.

PHOTOZ!!!

The Dudes

The Ladies

At our lovely table. You can't see it very well, but there were lights underneath the tablecloth, and those little clear glass fishbowl bead things. Tyler, on the fishbowl bead things: "These are actually kidney stones passed by a unicorn. They were very expensive."

Urrybody!

The song, Grenade by Bruno Mars, in case you've never heard it:

Much love. The end.

Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see...

2011-02-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

I thought today I'd just say some random stuff about myself. So here you have 25 facts about Mara.

1. I love Jesus and I wanna be just like him when I grow up.
2. There is a form of OCD called Onychophagia. It's where you incessantly bite and pick at your nails and cuticles. I think I have it.
3. I love crafts. I knit and crochet and I do origami and I scrapbook sometimes and I doodle a lot and other stuff.
4a. I love to write. I write a lot of different stuff. Songs, stories, letters, lists, whatever. I don't know if any of it is any good, but I like to write it at least. Except don't try to read my notebooks without asking or I might kill you.
4b. When I buy a new notebook it is a really big deal, and there are a lot of rules about when and what kind of notebook I'll buy. No buying a new notebook until there are less than like, 7 pages left in the old one. Spiral bound, about standard 8x10.5 size, must have something wonderful on it. Extra awesome if it's college ruled, has perforated pages, and has a folder attached. The last notebook I had was Wonder Woman. Currently I have one with an owl on the front that is made of banana paper.
5. If I love you I will probably write to you or make you a present or just tell you over and over or hang out with you a lot.
6a. I love music.
6b. I have 4 guitars, a djembe, a bright red electric piano, 2 microphones, 2 amplifiers, some stands and cords and things, and a hot pink egg shaker. Sometimes my apartment starts to look like a recording studio.
7. I hate being the center of attention.
8. I hate almost all games. They make me feel unintelligent.
9. Most of the time if I am bad at something I just hate it. Dancing is an exception.
10. I love candy, and almost all foods that are bad for me.
11. I once had a rat named Maximilian. I starved him on accident.
12. I have been coloring my hair since I was like, 12. Yes, I do know what my natural hair color is. Dark brown. Right now it's black. Before this it was black and teal.
13. I drink a lot of Diet Mountain Dew.
14. I'm an insomniac basically. I'm sleepy all day and then about 10 o'clock I get wide awake. It doesn't make sense.
15. When I grow up I want to be a wife and a mother and a rock star.
16. Romans 8 shatters me every time I read it.
17. I love Chinese food.
18. Tiger lilies are for sure the way to this girl's heart.
19. I like super heroes a lot more than most 20-year-old women do, or probably even should.
20. I'm a nanny. I watch 4 kids. I call them the Ferocious Four. Those kids are the greatest thing in the entire world.
21. I have lots of dreams when I sleep.
22. I have a little blueishgreenish betta fishy. His name is Shinigami. I talk to him sometimes.
23. I kind of want to audition for American Idol someday. It would be an adventure.
24. Sometimes I delegate people to be related to me. I have acquired a lot of family members this way.
25. Sometimes I really just want to become a hobo.

The last few were sort of random. I was running out of ideas.

The end!

Sincerely,
Mara

Hey fellas, why don't we go where the movies are silent and life is as big as a stage...

2011-01-24T11:16:00.000-08:00

Dear _________,

I don't like emotions very much. I don't know how to identify them or express them, I sometimes mistake them for feeling physically sick, and I especially dislike how illogical and unreliable they are. If I could do away with them altogether sometimes I think that would be a good idea.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

And my head told my heart, let love grow, and my heart told my head, this time no...

2011-01-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and sorta cranky. So here goes.

Today I got poop all over my favorite sweatshirt. Beige poop. Beige poop that also got on the beige carpet. Gabriel had a massive diaper explosion and I didn't realize it until it was too late, so he got a bath and got to go home while I treated the carpet and disinfected roughly 30 G.I. Joe guys. Thank the Lord I was wearing that sweatshirt though, because I didn't have a change of clothes with me. So that was pretty horrible, but I tried to stay positive and have a good attitude, but let's face it, poop is just really gross. Almost as gross as puke. I think puke wins for grossest thing.

Right now I'm burning some incense. It smells soooooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. I don't know why I didn't start burning incense sooner. This pwns Glade Plug-ins in the face.

That's it.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life...

2010-12-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 27:17

I want to write about my new church. Thing is, it's not really my new church anymore, because this past Saturday was my 6 month Downtown Church anniversary. If you recall this post, I loved it from the beginning. It was upbeat and the worship team pwned and, the thing that got me most, people cared about knowing me.

Like I mentioned back in June, girls were coming up to me to meet me from the get go, something that didn't happen a single time when I was going to Immersion. And not only did they want to meet me, but they were immediately asking if I wanted to hang out with them. I was all like, "Whaaaaaa?" But they didn't stop.

So, three weeks in, a girl asked me if I'd want to get dinner at Uncle Wendell's BBQ, the best restaurant ever. Of course I agreed. So we went to dinner, and then she convinced me to go to her bible study come fall, and I did. And here you can see most of the Super Models, my bible study:

Yeah. I love those people to teensy bits and pieces. Every single one of them is amazing. They love the Lord like something crazy, and they build each other up and love each other, and the thing that baffles me the most is they actually like me. I don't say that to throw myself a pity party at all, but I'll be honest with you: I've never really had very many real friends. I had a lot of people I spent time with because they tolerated me, but it was usually short-lived and I couldn't escape the fact that it felt like many of my "friends" were really very self-centered about the relationship. If I had something to offer and if it was convenient, I was in. If those things weren't there, I was out.

I have yearned for authentic friendship and fellowship for years. Literally since like, junior high. I was sick of being taught that fellowship just meant Christians doing fun stuff together, and I was sick of trying to force friendships with people who frankly didn't even want to be around me a lot of the time, and I was sick of dealing with drama crap, and I was sick of shallow, half-hearted interactions that only occurred because someone was bored. I wanted something real, something where there was love and encouragement and depth. I wanted relationships where I could thrive, where I was loved and cared for, where the Lord was the center of everything and there was meaning and openness and realness.

Basically, in many forms by several people to varying extremes, I was told that those things were unattainable, that my expectations were too high, and that no one was that intense about their friendships. I was told that I would have to wait until I was in my thirties when everyone magically would get mature and deep like I apparently was. It wasn't going to happen. I was told and I started to believe that it would be years before I ever got even close to the kind of authentic friendship I desired, and that at the current time of my life it would never happen because no one is that serious, mature, loving, whatever.

That was a lie. I have that with these people. They love the Lord and each other the way I had always believed could happen. This is the Church.

I hope someday you all find people who love the Lord and who love each other this way, because they are quite possibly the greatest blessing in my life right now. This church is wonderful.

I love the Super Models. You guys are bomb.

Lovelovelovelove to all.

Call on the life...

2010-12-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry if these little fill-in-the-blank survey things annoy you, because I love them. Take that, haters.

1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY', YOU SAY?

The Valley Song

2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

Love Affair

3.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Fireflies

4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

American Dream

5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

Energy

6.) WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?

Clumsy

7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Lollipop Parade

8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

Summertime

9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Hearts Safe

10.) WHAT IS 2+2?

Cassie

11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Long Shot

12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

The World is Alive

13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Soft Skeletons

14.) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Lesser Things

15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Until the World

16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Last Day of 1888

17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Up and Up

18.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

Simon

20.) WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?

A Love That's Stronger Than Our Fear

21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

One Moment Away

22.) WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE

Call on the Life

Let's stay out all night, go everywhere we don't, live while we're alive and take the world for more...

2010-11-27T15:27:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out sharing with some of my friends from bible study. The people at DTC, or at least the people I run with, say "sharing" when they mean "witnessing" or "sharing the gospel." So, in other words, we went to the mall and paired off and then went up to strangers and told them about Jesus. It was fantastic. I haven't done that in forever, and I'll be honest with you, I didn't want to go. But I did anyway, and I am so glad I did. Matt Moklestad and I went together, and Dave and Chrissy, and then Tyler and Patrick. Patrick isn't in my bible study, he just tagged along. Anyway, it was really good. Pray for Scott...he grew up going to church as a kid but hasn't gone in several years, and he was really interested in having a relationship with the Lord. He was at the mall with two friends, and all three of them were amazed that Matt and I, plus the other 4 who were out in the mall, were spending our Friday night sharing the gospel at the mall. They ended up just following us around watching and listening while we talked to people. We talked to these three guys a lot about just living your life for the Lord and how it's totally worth it, and they seemed to really respond and be interested in what we had to say about all of it. Matt said it was the best response he's ever gotten when he went out witnessing. It was a really encouraging time.

Soon I'm going to blog about all my new friends and how much I love them. You should eagerly await that blog post, because they are all rockin' awesome.

Love,
Mara

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes...

2010-11-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

I'm really not going off the deep end. I promise.

This is a good song, everyone should listen to it. It's called You Are More and it's by Tenth Avenue North. Not the style of music I usually listen to, but when I first heard their album The Light Meets the Dark I could have sworn they'd written it for me. So go ahead and hit pause on the music maker to the right, and then after you listen to this handy YouTube video that I handily embedded below, hop on iTunes, pay a dollar for this song, and listen to it lots and lots more.

Bless the day this restoration is complete...

2010-11-22T00:29:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal. I'm going to get all intense on you guys. Ready? Here it comes...

I'm sick of screwing around. That's it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like a fake, sick of knowing I have a sickness, a problem, and never being honest about it and never being quite willing to expose myself for what I am. I'm sick of feeling like I fail constantly, and then going on like I'm fine. I'm sick of struggling and fighting and trying to beat down my flesh and being completely and utterly unable to do so. I hate who I am. I hate it. I hate my sin, and yet I am incapable of getting away from it, and even more incapable of doing anything good.

These verses from Romans 7 have been running through my mind lately:

¹⁴For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. ¹⁵For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. ¹⁷So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
²¹So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. ²²For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, ²³but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.²⁴Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

This is exactly how I feel in my life. Paul and me are on the same page here. I don't do what I want, but I do the very things I hate...I know that nothing good dwells in me in my natural state...I do not do the good I want, but the evil I don't want is what I keep on doing...what a wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this? I am incapable of not sinning. I sin every single day. I hate it, and I do it anyway. The desire of my heart is to do good, and yet I can't.

Here's a little taste of me, my flesh and my weakness:

I don't think I've ever gone more than a week reading my bible every day. Never in my life.
I want to get married desperately. Part of me regrets that I didn't just say "screw you, God" and go along with the plan that would have ultimately gotten me what I wanted.
I have only like, three or four bible verses memorized. I can tell you plenty of things the bible says, but can I point you to the specific verse? Heck no.
I haven't been baptized because I was embarrassed of the fact that I hadn't been baptized yet. Ridiculous, but true. I didn't want any attention paid to me, and I was baptized as a baby, so I have avoided it, because it seems ridiculous that I've been a Christian for so long and just didn't get around to it. Hopefully in a couple weeks this will be remedied when DTC starts doing baptisms.
I hate cleaning my apartment, because I'm lazy and I just want to do what I want to do, and cleaning is one of my least favorite things. So, there's a nasty layer of dust on my ceiling fan and a huge pile of nasty dishes in my sink and the floor hasn't been swept in weeks.*
Etc.

That's just little small stupid problems. Real ones, but not even the biggest struggles in my life. Not even close to the things that bother me most about my flesh.

In Romans 7:24, Paul asks who will deliver him from his flesh, from the sin that he hates and can't get away from. Who will deliver me from the prison that is my mind and my flesh and this wretched body? Who will deliver me from this bondage, from my own inability to do what I long to do, to do what Christ commands? My heart swells with this, it cries out, asking who will save me?

In the beginning of verse 25, Paul answers his own question. The NLT says it this way:

²⁵ Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

I read this verse, and in a sarcastic manner I said "Great, awesome, Jesus is the answer yet again. What does that even mean?" And because I was using Bible Gateway and it only shows one chapter at a time, I almost quit right there. If Jesus is the answer, I should just shut up and stop asking questions, right? Jesus is the trump card. But no, I wasn't happy with that "Jesus, fine if you're the answer to all my issues with my flesh and sin. But why? What does that mean for me? You can be the answer, great, but what makes you the answer and what does that imply?" I sneered at myself inwardly a little bit, because I found it ironic that the very question that "seekers" ask themselves when they are investigating Christianity is the question I, a "long-time" believer, asked myself today. So, I thought I'd do the obvious thing, and read the next chapter.

Romans 8 happens to be my favorite chapter in the entire bible, so you would think I'd know what it says right? I sure thought so. But God smacked me in the head when I got to the first few verses, and said, "Yeah, you don't really have it figured out after all, do you?"

¹There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ²For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. ³For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

God did what the law could not accomplish. The law couldn't save us. Paul explains the role of the law back in chapter 7. (This is NLT again, by the way)

⁷ Well then, am I suggesting that the law of God is sinful? Of course not! In fact, it was the law that showed me my sin. I would never have known that coveting is wrong if the law had not said, “You must not covet.” ⁸ But sin used this command to arouse all kinds of covetous desires within me! If there were no law, sin would not have that power. ⁹ At one time I lived without understanding the law. But when I learned the command not to covet, for instance, the power of sin came to life, ¹⁰ and I died. So I discovered that the law’s commands, which were supposed to bring life, brought spiritual death instead. ¹¹ Sin took advantage of those commands and deceived me; it used the commands to kill me. ¹² But still, the law itself is holy, and its commands are holy and right and good.

Satan uses the power of suggestion. The law seriously says not to covet? That sucks. I bet you could just try it. It's not really that big of a deal, I mean, come on. But go back to what Paul said in chapter 8. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, [God] condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." The law, which is good and holy, but which has been used against me and which condemned and killed me, has been fulfilled. By me? No! By Christ, who God sent to fulfill the law, because just as Adam's sin condemned us all, Christ's righteousness saved us from a life ruled by sin. Romans 5:18,19 says "Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous." I am righteous and holy not by my own actions or anything good I've done, but through the righteousness of Jesus Christ and the love that God had for me that he sent his righteous son to bear my own sin so that I might live an eternal life that I don't deserve alongside Christ, the very man who became my sin, (John 3:16) and so that I can live a life free of condemnation and guilt and shame. God knew that I could not fulfill the law. He knew that I was incapable of not sinning (pardon my double negative) but he made a way that I could be free of that.

I sin every day. But it's my flesh that sins, and I no longer live by the flesh, I live by the Spirit, because God sent Jesus (by the way, isn't the concept of the trinity beautiful?) so that I could not only live an eternal life with Him, but so that I could live an earthly life free of condemnation.

*I took a break from writing and cleaned the dust off my fan. That would be Christ working in my life. Ha.

NOTE I don't believe in proofreading. So, if anything wonky happens to have slipped in there, just try to see past it. I know it's hard, but I believe in you.

For a moment I was warm and the world made sense, for a moment there this storm had no consequence...

2010-11-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

I play music a lot more now. Tons more. I love music.

Warning: Honesty moment.
No one gets it sometimes. No person does. You want to rely on someone, you want to trust and talk to someone who gets it, who gets you, who relates to you the way you need them to, who doesn't have an agenda or a selfishly-motivated opinion. But sometimes there isn't someone like that. So, then, you're told to go rely on God because he is all you need. True, he is. But let's face it. Relying on God is a lot of work. Sure, I want to rely on God, and I do, but if I want to hear from God it isn't like he just makes it plain, he makes me work for it. I have to think through everything and ask myself is this God speaking to me? or I have to sit and be still and basically pray that I get something concrete to hang on to. Sure, I'll talk to God, but hearing from him is freaking a lot of work.

That said, I still love God a lot. I just get impatient sometimes and I want everyone to be perfect. But it's all good.

That's the end.

One day the sun will cast your shadow on fields created for you...

2010-11-11T19:05:00.000-08:00

Edit: Just to warn you all about the time inconsistency, I started this almost a week ago, and never got around to posting it. Now, here it is. Just pretend I posted it on like, Sunday.

I typed up a slightly lengthy blog post, and then my computer ate it. Lame.

Lots of things have been going on the past few weeks. The first notable thing that comes to mind is that I sang a song that I wrote while my friend Matt played guitar. Matt is an awesome guitarist (he plays on the worship team at church on Saturday nights) and a super cool guy, and he was asked to play a song for Java Jazz, a live music and art event at DTC. So, he asked if I'd sing, and he said he'd like to play one of my songs, so we did! A guy from bible study has a video of it, but I don't think he's posted it yet. It was really cool to get to collaborate with someone, and working with Matt was super fun, and getting to perform for the first time at a DTC event was really awesome.

Other than that, I can't remember too many things that I did in between then and now. Friday night our bible study had a bonfire at Ashley's house. We had a scavenger hunt and played sardines and then after everyone else left, me and Natalie stayed the night. We started off in a tent, and I was ready to stick it out, but Ash and Natalie got cold, so we ended up sleeping on couches in Ashley's apartment. It was a super fun night. Being with everyone is always so great, and I loved getting to spend time with a couple girls making popcorn at 2 AM.

Then last night after church our bible study got together again (we spend a lot of time together, can you tell?) and we did what I decided was the best thing ever...we speed dated. We each wrote down 3 questions, and then everyone in the bible study "dated" each other for five minutes. We rotated around until eventually you got to talk to everyone. It was so. fun. I know it sounds weird, but trust me, it was bomb.

Anyway, that's my life right now I guess. Churchy stuff all the time. I love it though.

*love*

We are compelled to do what we must do, we are compelled to do what we have been forbidden...

2010-10-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

So, lately, when I get 7 or 8 hours of sleep I am more tired the next day than when I get 5. That doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I'm tired either way, but for whatever reason the last couple weeks I'm groggier when I get more sleep. Maybe I am just interrupting my sleep cycle at a weird time when that happens and then I never recover. I don't know. I should get sleeping pills again, maybe that would help.

I'm not really in that good of a mood right now. Sorry. I'm a little bit cranky. Too much to do in not enough time makes me crabby. I am a procrastinator and I am not self-motivated at all.

I slept in late today, because I didn't get back to my apartment until 3 AM. I spent the day yesterday with my lovely boyfriend, and then went to my parents for a little bit.

I really enjoy sleeping. I get to forget about life and everything for 6-8 hours of the day. I don't have to think about anything or do anything or be anyone.

This is a short, lame blog post.

In all these twisted thoughts, I see Jesus there, in between...

2010-10-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today I am cleaning, because my friend Cara is coming over for dinner. That means that in a little while I will also be cooking. Scary. But inviting her over for dinner was a great way to get to know one of my lovely new friends, and also a way to force me to clean my crap up. So it was a win-win!

I injured myself slightly. I scraped up my calf because I fell through a rubbermaid container. Yes. Through it. I needed to fix the slightly broken blinds on my window, and instead of going and getting my step stool that I got because I am too short to reach anything important, I decided I would just stand on the rubbermaid container that was filled with clothes. It apparently was not full enough to support my weight, and the lid broke, and I fell all over the place. It was hilarious. And now I need some duct tape.

I just burned my hand on some hot soup, and it hurts.

I just purchased my first Dashboard Confessional album. This seems like a monumental thing, like I should celebrate and have a party or something. But instead I'm going to listen to it while I clean. That is almost the same, because when I clean, a lot of dancing and hopping around happens. True story.

Well, it's time for me to shower, sweep, figure out what I'm cooking, and then grocery shop, and then cook. Lots to do. Laterz.

I'm not too sure that I want it to be this way...

2010-10-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

I was going to spend the time I had between work and bible study by cleaning my extremely messy apartment. Instead what I did is practice my songs. Today Josh, my friend and lead guitarist in the greatest band ever produced by the city of Sheldahl, texted me and asked if I'd play a few songs for an open mic night event at Grandview University here in Des Moines. It's tomorrow. I said yes. I'm nervous.

Now, I'm obviously wasting time blogging. I promise it will be fast, because I am going to go and practice some more, and then go to bed, because it is actually quite late for me to be up. I am trying to get used to running on less sleep though, because there is always so much I want to do and never enough time to do it. Actually it has less to do with time and more to do with procrastination and lack of motivation, which is why my apartment is such a disaster.

I need a job where I can work at night and sleep in the day. That is how my body wants to work.

This is the end of this post.

Mara

I was young, but I wasn't naive...

2010-09-21T12:41:00.001-07:00

I miss Andrew a lot today. More than normal. Long distance relationships are ridiculous. As if we didn't already have enough things making our relationship difficult.

I am waiting for two packages. One is a new cellphone battery which supposedly will last longer than the one that is in it now. I get about 5 hours out of my phone with what I would consider moderate use. I get 7 or 8 without using it a lot. Even if this new battery doesn't last as long, it will at least be a good back-up.

The second package I'm waiting on is my new sewing machine. I am really, really excited for it. I've been talking about getting one for a long time, so I'm getting geared up to finally learn how to sew. Maybe soon I'll even be able to sew some little girl dresses for Kim's project.

Yesterday I got to feed a tiny baby. I'm used to the big babies that I watch, but baby Noah is only 2 or 3 weeks old. His mommy and I have been friends since junior high, so I've been pretty excited for her and her husband to have this baby. I got to feed him and hold him, and Friday I'm going to watch him so Liz can get some stuff done around the house and so she and Ethan can have a night out.

I drank a lot more coffee today than I usually do. 3 cups. That's a lot for me. I usually make that much and then drink half a cup or so, but today it was extra delicious.

I want to make music. I toy with the idea of music as a profession sometimes. Doubt I'd ever get that far, but still, I can pretend.

A week or 2 ago Anberlin decided they were going to release a new CD without telling me. Well, thanks to Amazon's deal of the day, I ended up downloading it that day for $4. Ohmyword. It is really good. Reminds me a lot of their older music, meshed with even more awesome. Definitely redeems them from the mediocrity that was New Surrender, in my opinion. I haven't really listened to it a whole lot, but I'll probably throw out a more thorough review after I've had a chance to listen to it more.

I should get back to conquering the world now.

Belle

If I were a monster would you wince when you looked at me? If I was a freak would you stare?

2010-09-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm chock-full of new songs lately. I would really like to know where the phrase "chock-full" came from.

LifeLight was absolutely fantastic. We rocked out, we danced, we laughed hysterically, we were too loud late at night and got the police called on us, and we had the best time ever. I miss everyone already just because it was so fun. LifeLight 2011 will be even better, because it will be the 5th year that the original 6 of us have gone. The Original 6 as we like to call them were myself, Andrew, Andy, Emily, Kacy, and Elise. We had a blast that first year, but then we decided to share with a few others, and now there are about 10 of us that go.

I got to meet Aaron Gillespie. We had a conversation. A short one, but it was chock-full of meaningful interaction. (I decided to say chock-full as many times as I can) He was just as insanely awesome in person as he was in my mind. Greatness radiates off of that man. In all seriousness though, I am a huge fan of Aaron's music, and I think he has a real heart for the Lord. Getting to meet him was awesome.

Someday I'm going to be in The Almost, just so you're all ready. They were super great in concert. So was David Crowder and House of Heroes and, of course, Family Force 5. FF5 did 3 sets, including one acoustic set that was actually really great. We all loved it. I got to meet them again too, and Chap Stique gave me a Silly Band shaped like a trumpet.

While I was there I saw a guy speak about a ministry called cloth your neighbor as yourself. I loved the message he gave, and upon researching his ministry a little more after hearing about it initially I decided I loved it. I bought a shirt while I was there, and I think you all should too.

Lots more fun things happened, and we all had a lot of fun, and I wish you could have been there to join us. So, next year, you must go. For sure.

Mara

And with our feet we'll stomp a cadence to You...

2010-09-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

LifeLight 2010 Packing List

Clothes
-jammy jams
-4 shirts
-3 pairs of pants or shorts (2 maybe)
-Undies
-4 pairs of socks
-Pink Converse
-Flippy Floppies
-Swim suit
-anything crazy

Toiletries
-Deodorant
-Toothpaste/toothbrush
-Shampoo/Conditioner
-Face wash
-make up (mascara, foundation, eye liner, eye shadow)
-razor

*Sierra: straightener and blow dryer

That is more or less what I'm bringing. I'm SUPER EXCITED. LifeLight 2010 is going to be the bomb diggity.

You have my attention like you've had all the while...

2010-08-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

I had typed out a blog with my new fancy phone, but the app I was using decided it didn't actually work. So there went that. This is a new fresh one.

Andrew left on Friday. I had intended to blog lots before he left, just to keep you all posted on my emotional rollercoaster, but you know what I realized? When you're riding that emotional rollercoaster, blogging isn't too high on your priority list. I cried every night before he left. I haven't cried ~~too much~~ since Friday. I'm hanging in there.

So, our plan had been that we would see each other every other week. We would alternate who went where. It was a good system. It worked out even better because Lifelight landed exactly two weeks after he left, so he would come back first, we'd go to that with our friends like every year, and that would be the start of visiting. Now, one thing you should know about me is that I'm a planner. I'm a little obsessive-compulsive about knowing what is going to happen ahead of time (far, far ahead of time. Years ahead sometimes. Yeah, it's that bad.) so I hadn't really questioned this plan or tried to stray from it at all. I was trying to be flexible and allow for wiggle room, but that was more in the event that we would have to go longer than two weeks before seeing each other so that I wasn't frustrated and upset and all in a huff. So, yesterday I'm thinking about all the things I have happening this week, and I realize that Sunday is basically empty. Below is a summary of the conversation that happened in my head:

"Hey! Why don't I go to Iowa City that day? I can leave in the morning and be back before it's very late."
"No. That's not how it's supposed to work. You'll see him in another week."
"But it makes lots of sense to go! I mean, he's already seen the apartment and my church and all that, and I haven't seen any of what he's getting to experience. I should go."
"No. Just wait until he comes. He'll be back in a week and a half. He can come to you. It's good for you to wait."
"But I don't want to wait."
"So?"
"Why should I wait if I don't want to?"
"Because it's good."
"What is good about it?"
"That's just how it is. Waiting is good for you."
"You don't even know why, do you?"
"I guess not."
"Well, I want to go."
"Then go."
"Okay, I will."

I literally do think that way. In case you wondered. Sometimes I wonder if that's how people end up getting Multiple Personality Disorder. Anyway, that's how I decided I'd go. So I'm going.

Tomorrow night Ian is spending the night. Friday night my cousins are spending the night. Should be a fun weekend, overall.

That's the end of this blog post. At least for today.

Mara

Change is coming, no, it's nothing personal...

2010-08-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

9 days.

This is my 400th blog post, not counting the draft that I keep meaning to delete. I'm working on a new playlist to celebrate.

So, remember how I said I basically am in a constant state of being about to cry? Well, I still am, and it's only getting worse. If you're talking to me and I spontaneously burst into tears, don't take it personally. It's most likely not your fault.

I am officially moved in and settled into my new apartment. So far I totally love it. The apartment is really cute with all the paint and my awesome furniture, and living in Des Moines is totally bomb. I moved from Des Moines to a small town near where I live now when I was 11. Even though was 7 or 8 years ago, I kind of feel like I never got used to the whole small town thing. Mom has always said I'm more "urban" than the rest of my family. I'm definitely city girl. Don't get me wrong, riding dirt bikes and 4-wheelers through the backwoods is a fun time, but that's why it's good that my family still lives in good 'ole C-town.*

Tonight's agenda consists of cleaning some stuff and maybe going to Plato's Closet to look for some jeans and most likely going to Zanzibar's or Smokey Row so I can use the Internet. Right now I'm typing this on my iPod at work. I haven't been on the Internet outside of my laptop in like, a week. And before that it had been another week. I'm not even going through withdrawal or anything. I just miss Hulu. But honestly, the Internet takes up too much time when oh have it available all the time. There are lots of things to do that are way cooler.

I was going to be all serious and talk about meaningful things but I'm not going to. I don't feel like it.

Sincerely,
Mara

*I am guessing that you thought the C stands for Cambridge. It doesn't. It actually stands for "Crap." HA. Just kidding.

EDIT: I'm at Smokey Row. This place is pretty hoppin'. There's a country singer chick here playing some tunes. She's a character. That's what I've decided. I don't know what she's a character in, but the fact that she is one is certain. Anyway, I'm going to go order something tasty and leave my laptop all vulnerable here at my table. Hasta la pasta.

I know you're leaving In the morning when you wake up, leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream...

2010-07-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today I picked up the keys for my apartment. I am insanely excited about it. I know I haven't mentioned it a whole lot, but long story short, I am getting a cute little studio apartment in Des Moines, right by where I work. It's going to be super fun. I'm starting to move stuff over tomorrow, but official move-in day is the 7th. Sorry if I've already blogged about this. I don't remember what I've written or if I've written anything. I use Twitter a lot and sometimes I forget what I blogged and what I tweeted. Twittered. Twitted. Hahaha. Anyway, so yes, starting tomorrow I'm moving stuff over. I'm excited for that. Then the 6th we go to IKEA and get a lot of furniture, hopefully, so that the few people who are coming to help me move can carry it up to the 3rd floor (heck yes) and assemble it. If you've bought anything from IKEA, you probably know that putting stuff together that comes from there is no simple task. Along with the cheapness comes complicatedness. Haha. But it's worth it, because IKEA stuff rocks.

So. 21 days before Andrew leaves. For the last several days I have felt like I am kind of about to cry at any second. So far I haven't. But I will. Lots.

I went on vacation. That was exciting. I kind of went on two vacations, even. The first vacation was to Door County with Andrew and his family. I had a lot of fun with them, hanging out on the cabin at the lake with his parents and siblings and grandparents and a couple of his cousins. We did fun stuff, like going to a candy store called the Yum Yum Tree and this ice cream place where you can get a giant huge massive sundae with five softball-sized scoops of whatever ice cream you want and toppings and whipped cream and cherries. I got all the cherries on me and Andrew's sundae. I also consumed a large portion of the whipped cream. Not to mention far, far too much ice cream. But it was fun. After Door County for a few days, I went to Mount Rushmore with my family, which was really great. We saw some bison. Actually, they basically surrounded our van and trapped us in the middle of Custer State Park. Which was hilarious. And we saw many prairie dogs. They are really cute and funny, and we learned that they don't drink water. We went to Wall Drug twice, and I got a shirt there. I also got Andrew a cool knife while I was there. We saw some other stuff too, like the Badlands and stuff. And Mount Rushmore of course. Mount Rushmore is pretty boss, I have to say.

I'm kind of lame at blogging right now, so I'm just going to be done. Love you all.

Mara

You can’t even hate on me 'cause you don’t exist...

2010-07-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is my 398th blog post, just for the record. Also, I am blogging from my iPod, so of there are lots of typos and places where i lack appropriate punctuation, it's because this thing ia actually not too easy to type on. So, anyway. That's that.

I do have a legitimate reason for blogging today, as opposed to any other day. I actually have two reasons. The first one is a confession. I have confessed this to people before and they tend to not take me seriously. If you don't either, I won't be too surprised. The confession is that I need to lose about 20 pounds. Ha! That's all. And actually, at this point I have already lost 5, so I have 15 more to go. That's not really the part that I want to talk about so much though, although there is plenty I could say on it. I never wanted to be the girl that gained the weight after high school. I never wanted my old friends to come home and see me and think "Wow,that's sad, she looks heavier." I eventually realized that this was, indeed, what I was becoming. So I decided that I didn't want to be fat, I didn't want to be lazy, and I didn't want that to be what people thought of when they saw me. So I started to make changes.

I know people who have much more weight to lose (I get that 15 pounds is a drop in the bucket compared to the challenges some people face with their weight)and several of them have started consistently blogging about diet and weight loss and health and whatnot, so I had an idea of what it would take. My friend Art (you can find his blog over at overweightamerican.blogspot.com if the URL is still the same) started doing a thing called Couch to 5k. C25k = running. I HATE running. But I wasn't being consistent with any other form of exercise and my diet is inconsistent enough that I knew I couldn't rely on eating healthy alone to get me where I wanted to be (which, again, I realize is not that far from where I am now) so for whatever reason something came over me and I decided to do it. Not sure what got into me there. But I already finished Week 1 and the first workout of Week 2. And frankly, it isn't so bad. And like I said, I lost 5 pounds already. So I am doing something right.

So, I'm running. Which is insane. But so far it is going really well, and I feel really good about it.

The second reason I'm blogging today is to ask for prayers for my friend Blake. Blake found out last week that there is a mass in the back left portion of his brain. He is having it removed on Thursday and will then find out what it is and what course of action will need to be taken to get him back into good health. We are praying for a miraculous healing to take place. Blake graduated from high school this past Spring and plans to attend Ohio State University to major in Aramaic. He is an amazing young man after God's own heart. Please pray for his complete healing

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

We've got the motions down, and we all have the moon and the raining clouds...

2010-06-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

Since no one wants to comment on my angsty blog, I'll post another one that's less moody. Haha.

Last night I started my house sitting adventure! I'm staying in the house of one of the families I work for while they are on vacation. They suggested it, since it will be closer to the other family so I won't have to drive. Plus, it's super fun to have this cool house all to myself. Just me and Franky, the dark grey kitty. This morning I woke up (A whole half hour later than normal! Woo hoo!) and got ready for work, which is a whopping 5 minutes away, grabbed a hazelnut latte (my favorite) on the way at Zanzibar's Coffee Adventure, and took care of TWO kids instead of four. I took Alex and Jacob on a walk in the morning, and while we were out we saw a deer just chilling out eating grass in somebody's yard. We stood maybe 15 feet away from it, all while Jacob was repeating "Hi deer, hi deer, hi deer!" and waving, and it didn't freak out or anything. I guess I'm just not used to these "city deer," because I thought it was super cool. I even took a picture on my phone because I was so astounded, and now I'm posting it here because I'm STILL astounded. Pretty cool, eh?

I'm planning a pretty fantastic date for Saturday. It's going to be epic. Like the kind of date you watch in movies and wish you could go on. Hahaha. Maybe not. But it's going to be sweet.

I need to eat something for dinner and I don't know what to make. I bought some alfredo sauce at the store yesterday to have one night, because I'm a loser and I didn't want to actually make homemade alfredo sauce, but I think I'm going to have that tomorrow night maybe. I suppose that means it's time to scout out the freezer.

Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity...

2010-06-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

64 days.

Today Jessica, my roommate-to-be, and I picked an apartment and started filling out the application. I'll get the deposit put down this weekend and hopefully we'll be able to pick our floor plan soon. I'm excited about it. I bought some plastic dishes and some kitchen towels and dish cloths and a rug, so the kitchen will be all decked out in a cute apple green color. We have a couch, but we're getting a slipcover for it, and we have lots of other stuff too. Like, a toaster oven. And stuff like that.

I went to DTC again this week for church. Emily Rollman, my supercute friend, came along and we had some good conversations over pie afterward. She's really awesome. You should all know her.

Andrew comes home from Florida tomorrow night, and Monday night we're going to go out for a little time together. I miss him. I don't like it when he's away. If it were up to me, we would just share every exciting thing together. He would be there for all of my favorite moments, and I'd be there for his. Unfortunately that isn't how it works. He's far away now. He will be far away for a large portion of the summer, and for nearly all of next year.

It literally makes me feel sick, the fact that he is leaving at the end of the summer. We have always been together. We've always been in close proximity to each other, even if we didn't talk or interact much. We were just there. I've never gone more than a few weeks without seeing him. This isn't how I want it. Sure, it is probably best, and sure, it is probably God's plan, and sure it'll probably be good for us. But sometimes I just think, screw what's best. I don't give a crap. I want him to stay. So, as you can see, I sometimes have kind of a bad attitude about this whole Andrew-leaving-for-college thing. I'm being a wimp, I get that. I'm wimpy. I want things to be easy. I want to just be in love and to float away on that, happily ever after. I don't have it so bad, other people have it way worse, I'll still see him plenty, it'll be good for us and we'll grow, and absence makes the heart grow fonder, blah blah blah blah blah. I get it. I really do. I'm not claiming that I'm rational or that I'm unselfish or that I'm right. Just that it sucks, hardcore.

I hate Drake University.

Sincerely,

Mara

PS: Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It makes it grow sicker and tireder and angstier. So there. [/cranky]

There are moments when, when I know it and the world revolves around us...

2010-06-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

...And we're keeping it, keep it all going
This delicate balance
Vulnerable, all-knowing...

71 days. 70 if you don't count today.

This weekend I visited both the Saturday night and Sunday morning services at The Downtown Church. I loved it. I don't even want to visit other churches now, just because it was so great. From the moment I walked in I had people introducing themselves to me. Two girls in particular exchanged numbers with me, invited me to hang out after the service, and offered to meet me on Wednesday for Epicenter, a program where they do dinner and have a speaker and do service projects and such. I didn't have to work to meet people, they reached out to me. The worship was also really, really good, and the sermon was great. Dan Rude is their pastor, and he preached on Heaven and how God gave us a picture of what Heaven will be like so that we can imagine it, because Heaven is supposed to give us hope, and we can't hope for something we don't desire or can't imagine. The Saturday evening service was where most of the youngish people went, although I am guessing that most of the people there were a couple years older than me. The service this morning was smaller, had more young families with children, and was a lot more low-key. I liked both of them a lot though.

So, now my plan is to keep going to DTC on Saturday nights, and probably visit other churches on Sunday mornings. Or vice-versa. Because even though I really liked the church I feel like I should still be seeing what else is out there. So, I am also going to visit The Gateway, Christian Life Assembly, and Lutheran Church of Hope.

Tonight I am going over to Kim's house to watch The Village. We usually go over a book, but last week the book talked a lot about that movie, and neither of us had seen it. I'm pretty excited to see it, actually. Hopefully it isn't scary.

My boyfriend got me a prize at SeaWorld today, and he won't tell me what it is. He's off in Florida for their family's Make A Wish trip. He got to touch dolphins. I'm jealous.

...Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything...

Sincerely,
Mara

You were always hard to hold, so letting go ain't easy...

2010-06-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

75 days.

Going to Ohio fell through. I'll reschedule it to some other time, but yeah. That was a bummer. Hopefully it will happen soon though.

Phil Wickham was really good! We had a fun time and the music was great. The amphitheatre was really pretty once it got dark. I'd never been to a concert at Simon Estes so it was really cool to be on the river with my friends, listening to some music.

I bought a really nice guitar on Saturday, and oh my golly does it sound good. It's a Martin DC-1E. It's beautiful, and it sounds amazing. I love it. It needs a name though, so feel free to shoot out any suggestions that pop into your brains.

I'm digging on this thunderstorm that's happening right now.

I am feeling terribly unproductive. I am generally not motivated to do anything today. That is really a terrible way to be. I don't like when I feel like that. So, tomorrow will be better.

I'm not even motivated to finish this blog. So bye!

I'm out of touch, I'm out of reach...

2010-05-28T14:42:00.000-07:00

80 days before he leaves.

I am going to Ohio in two weeks to see Hans, Lara, and Sarah, my three good internet friends. I love them all. I am very excited. Today is Hans' birthday even, so everyone should say hello to him and tell him they love him dearly.

Tonight I'm going to see Phil Wickham with some friends. I've only heard a few of his songs but they were really good, so it should be a fun time. Music is just awesome any time, so I can't imagine it will be lame.

My last time on worship team is on Sunday. It's also the day of my last special music. I'm going to sign Come My Way by Skillet. I'm kind of melancholy about the whole thing, but it will be good to just get it over with and then move on to the next chapter of my life, or whatever it is they call this awkward transition.

My car has been backed into twice. Both by the same person. It is getting fixed soon.

My hair needs to be cut. It is currently burgundy.

I miss my boyfriend. He's out of town for a wedding. I have a 5-day weekend and no one to take me on dates. *sigh* Oh well. I'll just sleep instead.

I don't have anything else to say at the moment, but I promise to write something more interesting later.

Love,
Mara.

Here's my kiss to betray, desperate to brush the lips of Grace...

2010-05-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Seriously, Underoath and Aaron Marsh, could you have made a better song? No. This is my favorite song. Number one favorite. I mean, I have lots of songs where I say "Hey, this is one of my favorite songs!" But this one is different. It is my number one favorite. That's a big deal. I don't have many number one favorites. Stop by iTunes and buy Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape if you'd like to listen to a piece of me. Or come to my church on May 30th and hear me and some rad people play it.

Sorry that I haven't blogged in forever. I've been lacking inspiration in the blogging realm. I am stoked enough about this song that I had to tell you all about it. Anyway, so if there are things that I said I'd tell you about and haven't that you want to know about, I forgot about them so go ahead and comment or something and tell me to talk about it, because I will. I really just forgot.

I am sleepy and tired and I have yet another busy weekend. I desperately want to sleep in, and it isn't going to happen this weekend, yet again. That makes me irritated, but that's because I'm kind of a lamewad.

That's all.

Mara

If the world could just stop turning so I could take a moment to catch my breath...

2010-04-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to review some music for you. I've been thinking of directions that I could take this blog, and I think that focusing on music would be a really neat thing to do from time to time, in addition to the regular talking about my life type stuff. I'm just going to tell you about this really great band that I think you should definitely check out. We'll see if I ever do this reviewish thing again, but for now, here's my first attempt!

If the world could just stop turning
So I could take a moment
To catch my breath
If I could just speak the words my heart has longed to say
I wouldn't be where I am today

I have become a huge fan of Alex Arthur's music over the last few months as he's emerged with this new acoustic project, recently formed of Alex Arthur, Justin Carmichael, Griffin Landa, Joseph Farrell. Last night the group, called The Still Sound, had a release show for their new 7-song self-titled EP.

I'm pretty used to going to shows where three or four local high school and college bands play and open for some other little-known midwest punk band. I've learned how to live with bad music for the sake of a fun show. I like to see people I kind of know playing on stage, I like to support the often short-lived musical endeavors of the members of the small opening bands (I was one of them not too long ago) and I like to see what glimmers of talent can sometimes (hopefully) be found in them. So, when I first heard that Alex Arthur was going to start playing acoustic music, I wasn't too sure what I would experience when I heard it.

The first thing that Ben Wiedenhoeft, my friend and the drummer for Ames ska band Atombender, told me when he mentioned that Alex was going to start writing and performing acoustic songs was that it meant that he (Ben) was going to be crying a lot more often. I immediately raised my eyebrows and thought to myself, Hmmm, this must be good stuff. Before I knew it, my email inbox contained a copy of the first Alex Arthur song I'd ever heard (besides the songs from his hardcore band, local favorite Keep and Confess) in raw, unedited form. Breaker instantly became one of my favorite songs, and within days it had moved to the top 25 or so of my Last.fm most-played songs list.

Months later, The Still Sound was formed, and 6 more similarly fantastic songs were written and recorded with the full band. It's honest, real, and totally marketable. Everyone would listen to this music if they had good taste. Alex's voice is incredible both on stage and in the studio, the instrumentals are well-crafted, and the lyrics are beautiful. Combined, these things make seven songs that constantly leave you wanting to listen to another. Breaker has been re-recorded with the band, and although I'm still partial to the original version that Ben sent me some months ago, it's still a beautiful song about the search for happiness after a broken heart. If I Could is definitely a close second to Breaker as far as my favorites go, which might be because it was the second raw, unedited Alex Arthur song I heard, but it's such an honest song that I can barely listen to it without closing my eyes and singing along.

The rest of the songs are just as awesome, and I encourage all of you to click the link below and buy the EP. If they ever do a concert and you have the opportunity to go, do it. And when they are famous, just remember that I reviewed them first.

Click here to check out The Still Sound on MySpace

Click here to download The Still Sound's EP on Amazon.com

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

Because when I arrive, I, I bring the fire, make you come alive, I can take you higher...

2010-04-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

I don't condone roughly half the lyrics of that song. But, let's face it, the other half is just awesome.

Prom was Saturday night, into Sunday morning. It was lots and lots of fun. We went to Centro for dinner, and we rode in Michael's dad's awesome Hummer. I am fairly certain that the Hummer was actually a Transformer. Dinner was lovely, and the Hummer was very loud and awesome and everyone wanted to be our friend while we were riding it. The subs in that baby were pretty boss. So, we went from dinner to the Grand March, did our thing there, and then headed over to the actual prom. The dance wasn't as good as last year, but post prom was way more fun. The music at the dance was lame and boring. It was all either weird rap or country songs. There were more slow songs this year, which was nice. Not that there were a lot, but last year there were probably only three songs that you could even slow dance to. So yes, that was kind of nice. Post prom was at Perfect Games in Ames, which is a bowling alley/arcade place. That was lots of fun, because we got a free $20 game card. I was pretty addicted to winning those tickets. I was like a little kid in Chuck E. Cheese. I won some tickets, and I also pwned at Laser Tag. *coughnotreallycough* Then, after post prom, we went over to Jessica's house for post post prom. We watched (sort of) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and ate a delicious breakfast prepared by Mrs. Wollaston. Then we all went to church and half-slept through the sermon and then we went our separate ways. I took a six-hour nap. Mostly everyone else napped, too. It was good stuff. Pictures of stuff will come :)

I'm church shopping. I have visited Immersion at Lutheran Church of Hope several times, and I'm eventually going to visit the regular service at LCoH, and I'll also check out Walnut Creek Community Church. Immersion has been pretty cool so far, but I'm still kind of trying to figure out if it's something I really want to go to consistently. I have kind of gotten the impression that the few people that are there are not really going to be easy to become friends with, or that they wouldn't be the type of people I'd really want to form lasting friendships with anyway. But I am totally aware that I'm quite possibly being overly critical, and I don't want to assume things about people or make judgments on their character before I have even really been around them, and I don't want to lump them all together and assume that they're all shallow when that is really only the case with a few. So, anyway, long story short, I'm still not sure on the whole Immersion thing. But it has been fun to go to, and I'll keep going for a while and checking it out.

I'm tired and this blog is ready to be done for now. Goodnight.

Mara Tenille

But you're no fool, baby, it was just me...

2010-03-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

I am writing songs for the first time in probably 2 years. 2 years is a long time to have writers' block. I'm glad for it to be done.

My day was weird today. I am ready for bed.

This blog is short, and I'm sorry, but I really just have very little to say and I don't really even feel like blogging. I'm just doing it to do something, instead of feeling useless.

I miss the kids. They like me, and I like them, and I don't have to pretend to be something around them, because they don't really care about my issues.

That's the whole blog.

Make money money, make money money money...

2010-03-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

I don't usually use lines from songs that are about money, but this John Reuben song isn't really in the normal spirit of money songs, and I really do enjoy John Reuben, particularly his older music, and this blog is about me wanting to spend money, and thus my need to make money, and also to save money, all things that are incorporated into John's song, Make Money Money.

This blog is a breakdown of some things I'd like to buy. Not all of them, because that would take a disturbingly long time. But, you know, I was on ModCloth yesterday, and found lots of stuff that I lovelovelove, and there are a few other things I have my sights set on. Most of them I don't plan on buying, for the record. I just like to look at them and speculate that someday they might be mine.

All A-Twitter Laptop Bag (ModCloth, $54.99)
Do I already have a laptop bag? Yes. Is this one cuter? Yes. Not something I plan on purchasing, but it's pretty adorable.

Old and New Pocket Watch Necklace (ModCloth, $27.99)
LOVE. This is beautiful. I definitely have a thing for pocket watches, especially in necklace form, and I think this one is the prettiest I've seen. I would really love for someone to buy this for me as a present, but as far as buying it for myself, I'm not sure it'll ever happen.

Dining in Prague Plate Set (ModCloth, $34.99)
I really might buy these. I already have these adorable Russian nesting doll measuring cups and a set of Russian doll salt and pepper shakers. These would make my future kitchen PERFECT. They are just freaking cute. If I ever find $35 lying around, they're mine.

Other People's Love Letters, Compiled by Bill Shapiro (ModCloth, $22.99)
It's pretty obvious that this book is entirely comprised of love letters written by other people to other people. I find it adorable and hilarious. I can't see myself buying this, but I'd like to own it. It's a good book to sit out on your coffee table for when you have people over.

Library Corner Cardigan (ModCloth, $52.99)
Just a cute cardigan. I would love to be a cardigan person, and yet I have no cardigans. Why is this? Whatever the reason, this one is adorable but way too expensive. Pretty to look at, not to buy. I would totally wear it though.

Random Dawdle Paper Mouse Pad (ModCloth, $11.99)
A mouse pad with random things to write. I actually would probably buy this if I were to see it somewhere in person where I didn't have to pay shipping and all that, but the truth is that I don't even use a real mouse most of the time, and I really don't need it. But it's pretty funny and cute.

Refurbished iPod Touch, 16GB (Apple, $199.00)
I do plan on buying this in the very near future. I sold my Nano to Emily, and now I'm ready for something bigger and flashier. My only concern is that 16gigs isn't enough, and that I should wait and spend the extra $50 for a 32gig. Thoughts?

So there are a few things. The only trouble with the few things in that list that I actually would like to purchase is that I have not a lot of cash on hand right now, because I just bought a car and a prom dress and paid six months worth of car insurance. So, even though I'm not really broke, I'm feeling the pressure to stop spending so much, which is not at all a bad thing. The iPod will happen just as soon as I decide if 16gb is good enough, and those plates may hopefully happen someday, but all in all I really am happy with all the cool stuff I already have. I have some neato stuff. But of course, stuff never really ends, and there are always more things to want and more things to be had. I try to take money seriously while still remembering that, really, it's just money, and sometimes there is more and sometimes there is less and sometimes you can spend it and sometimes you can't, but I do like to buy stuff just for fun sometimes. Not just for me, but for other people, too. Life should be fun, and stuff can be fun, when you're not just buying stuff because you think you need it or because you can't help yourself. I think I can help myself. I hope so at least.

In other news, I just did a guest post for Art's blog, Kind of a Big Deal. Art is a great guy, and his blog is one of my favorites. If you know me in real life, you may have met him a year ago at my graduation party, but if not, you'll have to say hello the next time he comes around. In the meantime, go visit his blog and leave lots of fun comments. It will make you smile.

Sincerely,
The Butterfly Child

This is it, this is the last dance, but you don't have to go on this clear and starry night...

2010-03-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

I am blogging right now. I'm making myself. I don't know why I feel obligated to keep posting things, but for whatever reason I have to do it. It's just what I do now, I guess, and not doing it feels off. I guess it is just how I unwind. I don't journal or anything. I just blog. I guess blogging is a sort of journal, except in public, and typing is less work than hand-written stuff. Although I really love to hand-write things. Really a lot. I wish I hand wrote things more. But like I was saying, I am just used to blogging, and I'm used to blogging as an outlet for the "daily grind" kind of stuff and just my thoughts and feelings on things. So, I keep doing it, because it's just what I do. Read it or leave it.

Andrew and I are going to breakfast tomorrow. Really early in the morning. I will be leaving my house half awake, makeupless and possibly unshowered at 5:50 AM.

I had something I was going to rant about and I forgot what it was. Hmm. Guess I'll just keep talking about boring things.

My prom dress came today! I won't post pictures here until prom rolls around, but I'll tell you that it's super pretty and super long! Kim's mom is going to hem it for me and take it in and whatever else it needs. It's awesome though. For real. I am excited for prom. I hope it is as fun as last year was. I already think the group is going to be pretty different, but I'm still excited. Lots of people I know complain about prom being lame. I think they need to have more imagination.

Click here to watch a cool video of Glenn Wiedenhoeft from the news the other day. Mr. W is my friend Ben's dad. Ben plays drums in Atombender, a ska band from Ames, and he used to play drums in The Final Pardon back when we existed. They have the greatest back yard ever. Even more so now that Mr. Wiedenhoeft has made it so awesome.

That is all!

Sincerely,
Belle

Forget what we're told before we get too old...

2010-02-24T18:12:00.001-08:00

I cut my hair all off! Well, not actually all of it, but the back is all razored and the sides are a little longer than chin length. I've had similar cuts before and I really like it, and I hope to stick with it for a while. I'm dying it tonight and then it'll be even better. Half an inch of mousy brown is showing right now. Bad news. Turning it all into dark auburn is good news.

I don't really know why I'm blogging right now, because I really don't have anything to say. I think I am just trying to not neglect my blog and the few people who read it. Wouldn't want to bore anyone or anything. Not that I'm very interesting to read about.

I am going to Women of Faith in a couple weeks. I'm kind of excited. I was more excited, but now I'm not as much for some reason. I am just bipolar, maybe, or something like that.

I am watching American Idol. It's boring. These guys aren't very good. I only like three or four singers (Didi Benami is my number 1 favorite so far) out of the top 24, and I think they're all girls. That is, however, a vast improvement from last year, when I didn't like a single singer on the entire show. Ultimately, I just miss Jason Castro, and that's my only real feeling about American Idol. Jason Castro was the best. Too bad he couldn't sing loud songs.

Work is still going well. I only have Alex and Jacob this week, which is nice. In three weeks I'll only have Anna and Gabe, which will also be fun. Today Jacob was crabby and wouldn't sleep. His teeth are hurting him.

Awww, man. This guy singing Snow Patrol is bad. I will write him a note.

Dear Mr. Deweezee or whatever your name is,
You pick good songs but you should hit your notes better, please.
Sincerely, Mara

Simon likes him. He must sound different in person. Hrmph.

Enough about American Idol. Hair dying time hopefully is soon. Mom is supposed to help me. I would just do it myself but it's easier when I have help.

I am done with this lame, boring blog post. I will put you all out of your misery. Hahaha.

Mara Tenille

No one expects you to get up, all on your own with no one around...

2010-02-18T23:05:00.000-08:00

The second half of The Fray's first CD might be my favorite chunk of an album ever. Not that there is anything wrong with the first half, but Look After You, Vienna, Dead Wrong, Little House, and Trust Me are some of my favorite songs, and the combination of them is almost perfect. Look After You was even featured on Andrew's Valentine's Day mix CD, which I can actually show you now. So, here's the cover art (which is looking more brightish light blue than the slate grey blueish color that it is in reality) and also the track list:

Breaker by Alex Arthur
Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional
Testing the Strong Ones by Copeland
Snowbirds and Townies by Further Seems Forever
Suicide Baby by House of Heroes
The Ocean by Mae
Vanilla Twilight by Owl City
Firefly by Jimmy Needham
I Hated Prom by Transistor Radio
Haight Street by Anberlin
Look After You by The Fray
Broken by Lifehouse
Sunday by Bebo Norman
The City Lights by Umbrellas

I happen to think it's a pretty good collection of songs. I tried to stick a few happy songs in there, like Firefly and I Hated Prom, so it wouldn't seem really depressing. Alex Arthur, who wrote and sings Breaker, seemed concerned that it was too depressing a song for me to put it on a mix CD for my boyfriend. But it has lots of good lines that aren't depressing. When I'm with you, my heart is home. I don't find that depressing, personally. Maybe in the context of the rest of the song it is, or maybe to Alex it is, but regardless I think it's a beautiful song and so it kicked off the CD. Alex is a friend of a friend who used to live in Ames and played (plays?) in a band called Keep and Confess. They play metaly screamy music, so it may be a little shocking that he wrote and recorded such a pretty acoustic song. But I think it's pretty awesome that he can do both. So anyway, yes, if you don't know that song, that's probably why. To hear it you can go to Alex's MySpace. Other songs you may not know... I Hated Prom is by a band called Transistor Radio. They disbanded a year or so ago. They were actually a band that I found on PureVolume years ago, and this was one of their original songs before they ever got signed or recorded a CD or anything. I like it. You can't find it anywhere online anymore, so I don't have any way for you to listen to it. It's kind of a cute, prom-y song. This year will be the last time Andrew and I go to prom, so it was fitting. Prom is kind of a big deal when you never thought you'd get to go. But anyway, I think you can find all those other songs pretty easily if you want to check them out. I recommend all of them.

Tomorrow morning my hair is getting chopped off. I miss short hair. It will be pretty different than what I've done before, but I'm really excited.

That's all for now.

You've been given the green light to go entertain them, they're waiting for you...

2010-02-12T23:50:00.000-08:00

For Andrew, the title to this blog is a little sneak peak to his Valentine's Day present. Every year I make him a mix tape (it's actually a CD but calling it a mix tape just seems cooler) with cover art and a little sleeve booklet and everything. I mean, I go all out and like, take the jewel case apart and measure stuff and print double-sided things and all that. It's a pretty big deal. This year is only the second year I've done it, but I decided before I even did it last year that it was going to become a Valentine's Day tradition. I like picking the songs and I LOVE designing the cover art. I think Andrew likes it, because I worked really hard on getting it all finished tonight, and it was kind of exhausting because I was stressing so much about making it perfect. I think it paid off.

Valentine's Day is a weird holiday. Lots of people hate it. I don't really care if people hate it, but when those people make sure everyone knows that they hate Valentine's Day any time it comes up, that's pretty lame. Because I actually like Valentine's Day. Not so much all the floofy pink hearts and whatnot, and not so much with all the marketing and hype, but just the idea of having a day to celebrate being in love. Call me cheesy, but I think it's sweet. And really, the people who don't have a "significant other" aren't really any worse off than those that do, in my opinion. At least, not enough that they need to complain and whine about it to those of us who have boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands/etc. That's just silly and rude. But I guess somehow we're discriminating against all the loners or something. I don't really know what I'm talking about though, and it's really late so I am probably not even forming totally coherent sentences and stuff. Meh. Whatever.

I have a cold. I caught it from one of the munchkins. My nose is raw and irritated from using terrible Kleenex. I sound ridiculous when I talk. But I did learn that even though Vicodin has no effect on me whatsoever, Dollar General brand night time cold medicine knocks me out. Good stuff to know. It's been nice to take that instead of sleeping pills. Sleeping pills just make me groggy and mindless. At least, they did the few times I tried to take them. I don't sleep any better and I end up miserable and unable to function the next day. But anyway, all that aside, colds are just stupid, and I wish they would all go die in a hole.

Work this week was good. On Thursday Anna was sick, so we were at the other house with just Jake, Alex, and Gabe. That was pretty fun. Gabriel didn't eat or sleep well, but I think maybe he was just overwhelmed with all the new things. He'd never been over to that house before so it will be a big transition.

Time to try and sleep. What will win, caffeine or cold meds?

Mara Tenille

It's me and the moon, she says, and I have no trouble with that...

2010-02-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

I successfully completed my first week of work as a nanny, and I didn't go insane. Go me! So far it has been really great. There were a couple days where I was ready to rip my hair out, but the days where it isn't like that are awesome and a lot of fun. The kids are really great, and their parents have been really good too. Here are some pictures of the little munchkins. The top photo is of the girls. Alex is on the left, and Anna is the one with a mouth full of peaches. Alex is 3 1/2 and Anna will be 3 later this month. They are both really sweet little girls. Anna can be a hand full at times but she is hilarious. Alex is like a little mom, always wanting to take situations into her own hands. I don't know how many times I've said "I've got it under control, Alex. Go play now, please." The second picture is of Alex and the boys. Jacob, Alex's brother, is on the left, and Gabriel, Anna's brother, is on the right. Jake is 16 months and Gabe is 11 months. Jake is adorable and usually very sweet. He carries around a pacifier and a big brown blanket, and he calls those two things his baby. He'll walk around saying "Beebee? Beebee?" looking for one or both of them until he has it and then he is all cheerful. He is also obsessed with the dogs, Jack and Gwen. The first thing he says when he walks in the door or wakes up from his nap is "Puppies!" Gabriel is a funny kid, too. He's really into throwing things and he is working on standing on his own. He doesn't like to be left alone in a room, and if you do leave him alone he will whine and crawl after you until he can see you, and then he'll play there. His favorite toy is a big globe beach ball. Gabe and Jake get a little territorial over the toys sometimes but they are learning to play together.

Anyway, so that's that. The second order of business in this blog is that I'm looking for a car. I'm selling off the Miata for something that isn't rear wheel drive, and I've been scouring Craigslist for cars in the $3500-$5000 range. So far there hasn't really been anything really awesome, but I'm still refreshing the search query every hour or so and hopefully eventually something wicked sweet will come up. I really wanted this Jeep Wrangler, but Dad was concerned that the previous owner had driven it to crap because it was only a 4 cylinder or something. Right now Dad is emailing a person about a black 2004 Kia Optima. We looked at some Sebrings, too. Dad went and looked at an orange Beetle but it wasn't in very good shape. So yes, the hunt continues.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Andrew first told me he liked me. He was in seventh grade. He had liked me for about a year before that. I got him the best present ever, but you'll have to see a picture of it once I remember to take one... hehe.

I am mad that there is youth group on Valentine's Day. So not fair. *angst*

My cousins are staying with us for the weekend. That means there will be lots of Wii competitions. Yesssssss. I don't know it I mentioned here that we got a Wii, but we did. We also have Wii Sports Resort, Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party, and Lego Indiana Jones.

Okay, I am out of things to say. I seriously am devoid of creativity lately. Blech.

Sincerely,
Martastic the Dominator

Better things, like winter flings and longing after spring has sprung...

2010-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

I am watching Project Runway Season 5 with Mom. Netflix is good for watching old TV shows. Or old seasons of shows.

Today we went shopping. I got 4 pairs of tights, all in prints. I like tights. I also got some earrings and shirts and a skinny red belt. Then we went to see When in Rome, which was alright. By "we" I mean Mom, Sophie, Manda, Madeline and I.

I bought Andrew's Valentine's prize today. It will be shipped in a few days, so that's nice. I'm also making him a mix CD like I did last year, with a cool jewel case and everything. I'm working on the design for it still, and honestly I haven't even finished the track list. So, I'm a little bit stressed about getting that done, but I think it'll be alright.

I got my CPR and First Aid certification this week! I took the initial class online last week, and then on Friday I had to go in for a skill session. Basically, I had to show on the manikins that I knew how to do CPR correctly and stuff. So, I was a little bit nervous about it. I didn't want to forget anything, and even though CPR is a lot simpler now than it used to be it's still kind of intimidating to have to do everything exactly right. But I went and the Red Cross lady was really nice. So I did CPR on an adult manikin, a child manikin, and a baby manikin, and then went over some First Aid things like how to take care of various injuries and illnesses and then I got some cards to prove that I can save people.

I'm sleepy. I have worship team in the morning. Waking up early isn't too fun.

This week I was a nanny for three days. Only one of the days was with all four kids. Monday I start officially, so once that happens then I'll talk more about how it goes. So far it's been good though.

I am yawning a lot now so I'm not going to write any more.

Mara Tenille

May I have this dance? I saw you sitting lonely and hoped you would say yes...

2010-01-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

Now I'll talk about life.

I basically have a job now. Well, I almost do. I am going to be a nanny for four kids, Monday through Thursday, in Des Moines starting next Monday, assuming everything goes will this week with interviews and stuff. I will have 2 of the kids Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday, and then all four on Thursday. Thursday we will go over the contract and then Monday, February 1st will be my official start date! Yay! I am SO excited. I'm already loading up on craft ideas. I'll be taking care of two little girls and two baby boys. The girls are 3 and 3.5, and the boys are 16 months and 11 months. I am really excited about all of it. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me and for the decision. As cliche as it is, and as much as I hate cliches, it wouldn't have happened without you.

Tonight is Pastor Gabe's welcome home party. That should be lots of fun. It was nice to see Gabe in church this morning. He even did the call to worship, which was cool.

I am sleepy but I am not going to take a nap. I will just drink a Diet Dew.

I have an obsessive-compulsive nail picking habit. Seriously, I think I really have OCD about picking at my nails. For real. Mom even agrees with me.

I am diggin' on this new blog template. Good job, whoever designed this.

HUNGERRRRR.

Oh, hey! We're getting a Wii. I'm pretty excited for that, because Wiis are cool, and it's a gaming system that I will actually use. So yeah! We're looking at slightly used ones on Craigslist.

MY BOYFRIEND COMES HOME TONIGHT!!! I mean, he's only been gone since Friday. It's not like I really would have seen him much in that time anyway. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm superduper excited for him to be home. I miss him lots when he isn't here.

Anyone want to buy a car? It's cute and nice! And it's a convertible! $3200. Here is the listing Dad put on Craigslist. Buy it.

I'm getting bored. Bye.

Mara

Now the truth of it is, is I want to be like you...

2010-01-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

So, now is a good day to talk about my award that Manda gave me...haha. Yeah, it's been forever now, but I really didn't forget about it. I'm just a slacker is all. Anyway, it's this little dude writing. He means that I am one of Manda's 5 favorite blogs, I think. Here are the rules:

•Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.

•Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

•Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.

•Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

•Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I am going to break some rules, actually, because I'm a rebel and I'm like that. I'm not going to display the award anywhere except in this post, and I'm not going to link to the original post that explains the award except in the above quote. Hopefully no one gets all up in a tizzy over that.

So, now I guess I am supposed to choose my 5 people to give this award back to. Welllll here goes!

First, this award goes back to Manda at Musings by Manda! She's my super cool aunt. She writes about lots of stuff, like home schooling and cute decorations and random hilarious stuff that my cousins do, and right now she is taking a photo every day and posting it.
Also receiving the award is Art at Kind of a Big Deal. He's one of my awesome internet friends. He writes about his life, including weight loss goals and such. At the beginning of the year he started writing daily about his reasons to smile, which is AWESOME. We smile about a lot of the same things, I learned.
Kepa at The Fat Lazy Guy's Log gets the award, too. He's another internet friend, and he's from New Zealand. He taught me that I can say "he's a kiwi" or "he's kiwi" and both are right. He has a cool accent, he sings pretty, he has worked super hard and lost a ton of weight, and I owe him a video of me doing an Aussie accent.
Kim at Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails is an awesome blogger and mom to three of my favorite little boys in the entire world. She takes cute photos and videos of her boys and tells funny stories about them. She also writes for the local paper from time to time. If you ever get a chance to read one of her articles, do it.
Last, but not least, my emo child friend, Emily over at Glimpse! She writes about her life and her struggles, and she has the second best playlist ever. She's one of the most real people I know, and she's totally fun and hilarious. And she's also not really emo.

Now I've fulfilled my Superior Scribbler Award obligations. Yay! I'll do my regular talking about my life in another post later on.

LOVE,
Mara

PS: No one is under any obligation to post their award and talk about it.

We fall down, we get up, we try to hold our head up when life pulls us apart...

2010-01-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today is Thursday. This week is going by really fast for some reason.

I am taking an online CPR course. I should finish it today or tomorrow, and then I'll take my online First Aid course, and then I have to go to the Ames Red Cross for a skill session to show them that I actually learned how to do CPR and I'm not just wacky and going to kill anyone.

Today I was looking at prom dresses, because it's getting to be time to find one. I looked at some Jovani gowns even though they are almost all way too expensive, because Jovani dresses are the prettiest. So, of course, I'm browsing along, and I find one that I adore. It's the long version of a short dress that I found last year, and it even comes in the purple/yellow color scheme that is freaking adorable. So I'm all like, "Oh em jee, this dress is PURRRRFECT!" and then I look at the price. Almost $400. To those of you who spend tons of money on stuff like that, maybe that's not that big of a deal. But you have to understand, my dress last year was free. All the other prom dresses I've ever had to wear were either free, borrowed, or purchased at a thrift store. $400 is a week's paycheck. Right now, I'm not getting a paycheck. So yeah. $400. BUT I LOVE IT! Andrew made the point that if I get a job soon I could set aside $50 a week until I am able to pay for it, and that seems much less ridiculous. But I have to be able to get it on time, of course. So I don't know. There are other, much cheaper dresses out there, and it might just be that I find another one that I really like. But this one is just so cute.

I am drinking a Mountain Dew Throwback. I haven't had one of these since Art brought me one last spring when he came for my graduation party. It's tasty, and it brings back good memories. I miss Art. Art, you should come back and hang out sometime. And bring the M's, and we can make Hans and Lara and Sarah come too, and we'll have a big party.

The book I am reading for that review thing is over halfway done. Yay! I'm finally starting to buckle down and get it read. The book is "Fearless" by Max Lucado, in case you didn't know. So far I recommend it. It's good, good stuff, and it's short, and it's not boring or hard to understand. But I'm not going to talk about it anymore because I have to actually write a review on it later, and then you will hear all about it.

Tomorrow is a big day. I am nervous for tomorrow. Tomorrow I have an interview with one of the families that I may potentially be a nanny for. AHHHHHHHHH. I am nervous. I am excited. I hope it goes well and they like me. Even if I the job doesn't work out. But oh my land, I am getting so nervous.

I suppose I should give you a couple details about the nanny job. There are two families, and they would share me. There are four kids total, and they're all under the age of 4, with two of them being around 1. When I have said that to people they have looked at me like I'm crazy, but that doesn't really intimidate me that much really. I think I could handle it. So, I am meeting one of the two families tomorrow afternoon. If you are reading this, I would ask that you pray for the interview to go well, for me not to sound like a bumbling idiot, and that God would make it clear if I am supposed to take this job or not.

In other news, my TV shows are beginning to start up again! YAY! I don't really watch that many TV shows, but right now for some reason I am really into a couple shows. I am going to watch the new episode of House right now actually, and then in a week or so the new The Office episodes are supposed to be up, I think. WOO HOO!

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille
The Butterfly Child

Is this where I'm supposed to be, or is this another distraction...

2010-01-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

The following is stolen from my CGR blog. Some of it may be information you already know. Mostly it is just random stuff. I just posted it a minute ago so I thought I'd just cut and paste.

Dang, yo. I'm making rice pudding in the crock pot. It be smellin' so good. Pretend I said that in a Family Force 5 voice.

Today I looked at health insurance plans. It was interesting.

I need to do some yoga or pilates or something at some point today.

I think that at some point I am going to post a picture of myself in here, because it's been a while. I just need to get around to taking one.

Yesterday I had Chinese for lunch. Me and da buhfrend went out to eat. I also almost went to a basketball game, but then I didn't. I did watch American Idol on TV, and The Bachelor on Hulu. The Bachelor is an insane show. I also almost went to the hospital to visit Andrew's sister (boyfriend flavored Andrew, not CGR Andrew), but I didn't because she just wanted to sleep today. Andrew's sister has bone cancer and is on her second to last round of chemotherapy. Today she's coming home, and then she has another round in a few weeks if her blood counts are up to it, and then she will leave for Houston for a few weeks for radiation on her lungs. You guys don't know that story I suppose, but that's where it's at right now. Soooo yes. No hospital visit this time around, which was really fine with me, because I HATE going to the hospital. I get kind of panic-attacky. It's pretty pathetic.

Anyway, that was a little bit random.

Dead guy:

I need to go to the post office and to the bank today.

That rice pudding is killing me. I want some right now. Only an hour left. *sigh*

Now back to normal blogging!

So, it's been a while since I last blogged. I am still on the hunt for a job, although I guess I'm not really hunting very much. I have profiles on some nanny finding websites, but if that is what I want to do I should really get on the ball about finding a family. Mom thinks I need to focus my applications on office-type jobs where I'll get paid well. The problem is that I don't have a degree and I'm not going to school to learn any kind of marketable skills. Stupid college.

It seems like all the nanny jobs are in Iowa City.

The rice pudding was a failure, I think. It's all messed up.

Well, I am finding more nanny jobs now that I know more of what to look for. So that is good. I think I'm going to start asking families questions and feeling out what a job like that might look like. I'm excited for that, I think.

Anyway, that's the end.

Mara

The ground seems like the only open arms for me...

2010-01-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I am currently unemployed. Stupid economy. I had a lot of fun working at Info2go though, and I am still praying that the company takes off and that they are able to do big things with it. All the same, I need a job now, so if anyone knows of places that are hiring, let me know. I don't want to work at a restaurant again, just for the record. Panera was dandy and all, but yeah. No more food. I don't really want to work lots of evenings and weekends, obviously, but I don't really know what I'm going to have to give up in order to find a job. Staples has some openings. Kohl's usually does. Last time I applied at Learning Post they called me back, albeit a couple months later. I don't know. I don't know what to do. So I guess I'll just make it up as I go along.

Tonight Andrew and I are going out to Buffalo Wild Wings. We'll probably watch the Orange Bowl. Then I think we were going to Kohl's to exchange a tie that he got for Christmas.

I have won two Ebay auctions for my doll. The pinafore dress and some accessories to replace the ones I already have that are a little worn. I am very excited.

I have been on CGR a bit the last couple days. It's kind of fun to be "back" or whatever. *laugh*

Well, I am going to get caught up on LOST now. Goodbye, little blog.

Belle

When I'm with you my heart is home...

2010-01-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while since I blogged, and lots of things have happened, so just be warned that this might end up being long.

First of all, Christmas happened. It was a nice Christmas. I sang "Born to Die" by Bebo Norman for the Christmas Eve service at church. If you don't have Bebo's Christmas CD, I highly recommend it. In fact, here is my list of favorite Christmas CDs.

1. Family Force 5's Christmas Pageant by Family Force 5
2. Christmas from the Realms of Glory by Bebo Norman
3. Christmas Offerings by Third Day
4. Happy Christmas Volume 4 from Tooth and Nail Records
5. Elf: Music from the Major Motion Picture by various artists

I think that is really all the Christmas music I listened to. Everyone should own those CDs. The Muppets Christmas CD is one that we also listen to, but since the Muppets are a bit before my time and since I just kind of find that CD a little bit obnoxious, it didn't make the list. Sorry, Muppet fans. I admire your fanaticism.

I got some cool Christmas presents, too. I might get some of them mixed up with my birthday presents, because they are pretty close together, but I'll do my best to remember. I know that I got a cool shirt and some gloves from Em Harmsen, which was cool. Patrick got me Switchfoot's new CD, Hello Hurricane, which I highly recommend. Andrew got me my dragonfly ring from JesseDanger on Etsy, which I was SO EXCITED about. I adore that ring. Seriously, it's sososososo pretty. I got a couple shirts and a Bebo Norman CD from my family, and also the book Captivating and another book that Mom picked up at Urban Outfitters called Urban Paper. It is really awesome. Basically, the whole book is pages and pages of paper toys that you can cut out and glue together to make funny little things. I am taking pictures of all the paper toys I make and I'm going to post them on Facebook eventually, and when I do that I'll also try to remember to post some here. It is very much a new hobby of mine. Me and the X-Acto knife have spent a lot of time together since getting this book. Other things I got included my rockin' awesome steampunk jacket that I wanted and some knitting stuff from my grandparents, and some really cool earrings made from old clock hands from Manda and Chad and Madeline and Eli, and lots of other things.

Then, my birthday happened! I turned 19 on the 30th, which somehow was weirder than 18. 18 was fun because it is kind of that first year that you are a grown-up. You can smoke and stuff, too, which I haven't tried. Not that I want to try smoking, but me and some friends were going to get some cigars to try just because we can. And I think it would be hilarious if I smoked a cigar. But anyway, as I was saying, 18 is kind of a monumental birthday. However, you're still kind of a teenager at 18, and 19 you aren't really as much. Yes, you're nineteen, but maybe it's just that it's that much closer to 20, when you aren't a teenager at all. 19 just seems a lot different. But I'm still kind of a little kid so it's alright. I'm not worried.

For my birthday I got rockin' presents. Mom and the fam' got me more shirts and some cute shoes and jewelry and another Bebo Norman CD and some salt and pepper shakers that look like little Russian nesting dolls to match my measuring cups and other things. I am trying to remember them all and I feel bad that I can't. Haha. Emily Rollman framed an edited photo of her and I dancing with some little girls at my graduation party and got me some uber cute earrings. Andy shot two deer the day before my birthday, and he said he'd make me some deer jerky out of one of them, so that's my birthday present from him.

One particular present is my favorite, but it requires some background. When I was little, I alwaysalwaysalways reallyreallyreally loved American Girl dolls. I would pour over the catalogues for hours and hours and Sophie and I would fight over who wanted what. Sophie always liked Molly. I always liked Samantha. Samantha was the prettiest, she looked the most like me, she had the most beautiful dresses and the cutest accessories and I was always kind of fascinated with the Victorian time period. But I never any American Girl doll of my own. We had some generic off-brand versions that were nice, but of course it wasn't the same. I also had the little miniature version of Samantha, but she eventually got worn and thrown out. Unfortunately and much to my dismay, in May of 2009 they retired the Samantha Parkington doll and her entire collection.

I've occasionally mentioned that I always wanted that doll, but I never really thought anyone paid much attention. Well, Andrew did, apparently, and the night before my birthday I opened up a box with an absolutely beautiful original 1986 Samantha doll. I would post a picture, except that Mom has the camera with her at Impact. But seriously, she's gorgeous, and she's in really good condition considering how old she is and the fact that she's used. Since I got her I've become obsessed with finding clothes and accessories for her on Ebay. I'm currently bidding on two dresses for her. The Pinafore Dress and the Cranberry Party Dress. I am also going to try and buy a new set of her original accessories, because she's missing her brooch and her hat is a little bit bent and dusty, but for now I am just excited to dress her up and play with her. See? I'm not that old. I still play with dolls.

Okay. Moving on from the holidays.

Mom is off on a youth retreat, along with Andrew and mostly all of my friends. Josh is here because obviously Andrew and Peter are gone tonight and Mikayla was having a slumber party with some other little girls, so I took pity on him and brought him here to hang out with us. So, we're all watching Transformers.

Earlier today I was at Rietgraf's watching LOST Season 2 with Andrew, because we're trying to finish it by Monday so that we can start Season 3, because it's taking us too long to get through the seasons. I've already seen Season 2, but it's been a while, so the refresher is nice. Andrew hasn't ever watched the show, so he's the one that really needs to catch up, but he's gone this weekend obviously, so I borrowed the DVDs so I could try to finish the season this weekend. 15 episodes to go, I think.

We decided that this week Andrew and I are going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Delicious.

I dyed my hair the other day. It's a nice reddish auburn color.

I miss Andrew already and I was only with him a few hours ago. Stupid retreats. It's stuff like this that makes me wish we'd graduated the same year. I hate doing things without him, and I hate the idea that he does things without me. Not in a creepy I-want-to-know-what-you're-doing-at-all-times way, and not in a I-can't-live-for-one-moment-without-you-by-my-side way. I just want to experience everything with him. I want to share the good things in life with him. I want him to enjoy the retreat, and I want him to learn and to be a leader for the younger students and I want him to have a lot of fun and to experience awesome stuff, but I want to be there for all of it. As much as I know that we can't always do things together, I don't want to miss out on any of life with him. I'm freaking in love, gosh darnit!

Well, now that I got that out there, I am going to break out the X-Acto knife so I can finish the toy I'm in the middle of while I watch LOST. Actually, first I'm going to wait until I need to take Josh home, and then I'm going to do that. I hate starting things when I can't finish them or when I know I'm going to get interrupted. Stopping what I'm doing isn't fun at all.

I hope your holidays were lovely and that you grew closer to Christ this Christmas and New Year, and I pray that 2010 begins an entire decade of new life to you and your family and your friends.

Sincerely,
Belle

I'm sorry that I can't take this pain away from you, I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to...

2009-12-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

Don't you just wish that people understood you all the time? That when you stumble over your words and when your facial expressions don't exactly match what you're trying to say that people would just get it, instead of getting all caught up in the how you said this or that and how you didn't actually look like you meant it and blah, blah, blah.

I would really like the CD "A Burn and a Shiver" by Edison Glass.

No one must like my blog anymore. Google Analytics says I haven't had a visitor since December 7th. That's kind of sad. Maybe my blog is just boring now. I'm not always very interesting, so I can understand that.

You know what else I wish? I wish that when you wanted someone to know something they would just know it, instead of having to try and explain it to them. That kind of goes along with what I said earlier. I wish I didn't have to use words, and instead I could just feel and people would just get it. I'm not good at talking. I don't know how to say things, and I don't know how not to sound like a jerk, and I don't know how to make people relate to me. I don't always know how to relate to people, either, which just adds to the issue.

I am singing a Bebo Norman song for Christmas Eve. I like that.

Guess what I got for Christmas already? My dragonfly ring. It's beautiful. I love my boyfriend.

Speaking of Christmas, that is coming up. I have all my shopping done, which is awesome. Mom's present probably won't come on time, but that is okay. I got her an awesome thing.

Tonight Andrew has a band concert, and I'm going to it. That should be a fun thing. I might call Kim and see if I can stop over to give the boys their Christmas presents. Carter, Owen, and Lewis got me the coolest Superman poster EVER for Christmas this year. I got them some pretty sweet stuff too. Klutz books FTW.

Right now I'm cutting out a picture of some cheerleaders. They are wearing huge blue bows in their hair. It's pretty tedious work, I tell ya'. Cutting out black uniforms on a black background is not easy stuff.

Anyway, I am totally out of even remotely interesting things to say, so this is the end of today's blog post.

Mara

Please take a long, hard look through your textbook, because I'm history...

2009-12-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, I am so sleepy today. I really don't understand. I am assuming it's my sleeping pill I took last night that has made me so dysfunctional and groggy today. I am pretty sure that this was the result I go the last time I took a sleeping pill. Normally, I can't get to sleep at night or I can't stay asleep, and then I wake up sleepy but eventually I am able to function somewhat normally, especially once I have some caffeine. Last night I took my pill around 10:00 and it never really made me any sleepier than normal. Like usual, I started getting an inkling of tiredness around 11 or 11:30 so I tried to go to sleep. It seemed to take forever to fall asleep, but it was probably like 20 minutes or so, and then I woke up a couple times through the night. When my alarm went off this morning I was groggier than normal. I got out of bed late and never really did fully wake up. I figured my shower would help me feel more awake, but it didn't. I was excited to work on some Flash stuff, but I still couldn't keep my focus on it. I can't form sentences that make sense. I can't think of words. I am on my third can of Diet Mountain Dew hoping the caffeine will wake me up if I just sip it slowly throughout the rest of the afternoon. Of course, I did that with the first two cans and again, it didn't help. My eyes are heavy and can't focus well and my muscles feel sleepy and my back hurts like heck whenever I move a certain way and I am having trouble structuring basic sentences and I'm incapable of comprehending anything anyone says to me that is more complicated than "Want a slice of pizza?"

It really isn't as miserable as I made it sound just now. I am just not very productive today. I can't even focus on typing this blog out. Maybe Owl City will wake me up.

Later tonight I am going out to Cheesecake Factory with Emily. We have a gift card for $10 or so that we got when we went like, a year and a half ago or something, from one of those internet surveys where you talk about what you thought about the restaurant and then they give you free gift cards. Well, we never did use it, and we needed a plan for exchanging our presents to each other, so we're just doing it all tonight. We're also going to look for presents for our first grade Sunday School kids. We have gotten presents from a few of them, but we haven't yet made anything for them. I think we're going to get them each a cute ornament and write them little notes and give them some candy, all in cute bags. So we're going to work on that too. It should be a fun night.

On Saturday Andrew and I are getting all dressed up and going out to Cosi Cucina for Christmas. We're going to exchange our presents and have a nice dinner and then I don't know what we're going to do after that. We will probably just come back to my house and watch a movie or something.

I have Google Analytics for my blog, and let me tell you, it is way fun. I might have mentioned that before, but I still think it is the coolest thing ever.

Matt put the Adobe Master Collection CS4 on my laptop yesterday. I am in design nerd heaven.

Today or yesterday, I don't remember, I was reading Kepa's blog. He calls it The Fat Lazy Guy's Log, but he's not really fat or lazy. Maybe he used to be, but he isn't anymore. Anyway, he was talking about how he isn't a blogger because he doesn't write about a specific thing and he doesn't care about how many people read his blog and stuff like that. I was sort of thinking about that because I am very much the same way. My blog is just sort of a journal. I write stuff in it. Not specific types of stuff, just whatever is on my mind. And eventually maybe I won't like it anymore, but right now I kind of enjoy having my life out there in public. That is sort of backwards from how I normally am, because typically I don't really enjoy attention and being at the center of it makes me really uncomfortable most of the time, but with my blog I am kind of different. No one thinks you're stupid on the internet. The things you say are funny/inspiring/thought-provoking/whatever else to someone out there, instead of stupid or embarrassing or easy to disregard. You become some other sort of human being, or maybe something else entirely, when you're using the written word in a public format. That is how it seems to me at least. In my groggy state of being. So maybe tomorrow I won't think that at all. But whatever. You take me seriously because you're not with me in real life, so it's okay.

Anyway, I'm not really one of those famous bloggers who people read for entertainment or whatever. I'm just Mara writing about Mara to whoever wants to know. Probably not a lot of people do, but that is okay with me.

Actually, my blog has lots of visits from people all over the world. Google Analytics taught me this. You know why so many new people visit my blog? Because they google lines from songs and then my blog titles come up. They usually only stick around long enough to realize that this is some kid's blog and not a music lyric search site. The average time spent on my blog overall is less than 30 seconds. On new post days it is more like a minute and a half. Fascinating, eh?

Anyway, that's all I really have to say at the moment.

Sincerely,
A Slightly Incoherent Butterfly

The collapse of the world on the quietest day, this time it's the sun standing still...

2009-12-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog is from "...Still" by Deas Vail. However, I am listening to Owl City right now with my rockin' new earbuds that FINALLY CAME. They are awesome. They sound pretty good and they're super cute. I am still going back and forth between sizes of the little rubber things. So far I am happiest with the middle size.

Tonight I thought I had to babysit, but after some confusion about what night the church Christmas party was on, I learned that I didn't have to. So we went to Andy's basketball game. It was good.

I still haven't talked about my award. Grrrr. Okay, I should get to that soon. I will try to do that tonight or tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am waking up and going to Christmas program practice to help fit the kids in their costumes. Then I might go get some food with Em, and then I'm going back to church for worship team practice, and then I'm going out with Andrew. It will be a busy day I guess.

I am so cold today.

I couldn't go to work all week except for Monday because of the lame snow storm. That is kind of frustrating to me. I feel poor now. But I'm actually not poor, so it's okay.

I feel especially boring today.

Sincerely,
Mara

I have heard that winter's cold will give way to summer's warmth...

2009-12-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I make myself do things that I don't want to do just because I don't want to do them. How does that make sense? I don't want to do something, so I make myself do it? If I don't want to go somewhere, why not just not go? If I want to use my spare time to play Sims instead of crocheting, why not just play Sims? Seriously. I'm wacky.

I drink far too much Diet Mountain Dew. I need to ween myself down to one can a day. That will happen starting tomorrow, since I'm on can number 2 for today already. I don't ever drink more than one bottle, or two cans, but I don't need that much, so that's going to stop.

I am sniffling and sneezing all over the place. Matt and I both are getting colds. So far Steve and Mark are both healthy, but we'll see how long it is before we infect them, too.

You know what sucks? When you can't go out with your boyfriend because you have a cold, and if he catches your cold and then his sister catches it from him she could end up in the hospital. Getting colds doesn't normally suck all that bad, but when you could hospitalize someone because of your cold that is just really, really crappy. That said, my date with Andrew tomorrow night is still on unless I am worse in the morning.

Tonight I am going to the women's Christmas dinner at church. I want to wear my purple tights, but I don't know what else to wear with them. Suggestions? Maybe I should be like Bethany at do.think.wear.see.love.dream and post a picture of the outfit! Bethany is a friend of my aunt's, and her blog is one of my favorites.

Speaking of my aunt and blogs and stuff, I got a blog award from Manda! But that is another post for another time. I will try to talk about that later on tonight. Right now I am doing a lunch break blog.

Check out those babies. I bought myself a set of
Full Metal Jacket Skullcandy Earbuds for cheap off Amazon to replace the ones that Inali ate. Hopefully they are awesome whenever they finally get here.

Time to make more ads.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal, if you can't hold yourself together why should I hold you now...

2009-11-30T17:12:00.001-08:00

Today is bipolar. Very, very bipolar. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar. So far I have always concluded that I'm just an 18-year-old. Today I decided is just stupid and unable to make up its mind on whether it is going to make me feel wonderful or craptastic.

I have no money. Look both ways before you cross the street, kids. You know those 2008 Acuras. They'll come back to bite you and your little convertible, too.

Sprint has the stupidest, most senseless cellphone plans of all the service providers I can think of. Don't choose them.

Today I remembered why Andy Harmsen is my little brother. It's because he is awesome. He carries your 24 pack of Diet Mountain Dew through the store for you, and he makes sure that your boyfriend has the opportunity to ride with him to come visit you at work, and he tells you that the massive dent and scraped paint on the side of your car "isn't that bad." Those are all good brotherly things to do. Andy is a good brother, and a good friend. And... get this, ladies... he's single. Catch him while you still can, because it's first come, first serve.

I found the school photos of Carter and Owen that I thought I had lost. They were in a weird pocket in my laptop bag. I was excited that I didn't accidentally throw them away, which is what I had wondered. They weren't even wrinkled or scratched, which was an added bonus. They are sitting proudly on the corner of a picture frame in my office.

My boyfriend thinks I am beautiful. He loves me, even though I am a weirdo.

I bought some of the makeup that is on my Christmas/Birthday list. If anyone gets me that, which I sort of doubt, it will be fine though, because I can always just save it to use when mine runs out. I was running out of foundation, and there was a sale, and stuff, so yeah. Probably no one cares about that, but since it's my blog I can talk about whatever I want. I love blogs for that reason. So don't buy me more makeup, unless you are fine with the fact that it is probably just going to get stuck in my makeup bag for a while.

Liquid foundation makes me feel like a Barbie doll. And not in a good way.

So, Thanksgiving happened. It was a pretty normal Thanksgiving. My grandparent's dog ate my SkullCandies, so I am buying new, fancier ones. Thank you, Amazon, for having good deals. $22 instead of $60 is pretty rockin'.

Today Jeremy and Aleah and Kenny and Andy came and had lunch with me and Matt at work because Jeremy and Aleah are headed back to Florida tonight. It was a fun lunch. Hy-Vee Chinese is so, so, so delicious. Mmmmmmongolian beef. Yummy.

The movie The Blind Side is amazing. Everyone should go see it.

I hope the last part of Andrew's Christmas present comes on time, or else I'll be sad. It's a good present.

I play the Sims 2 a lot these days. That's because it's the best game ever, in the whole world.

Well, I am off to Christmas shop now.

Mara

You're an artist, I'm a silly jerk, I think that dynamic could work...

2009-11-18T12:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas/Birthday list, reposted and revised:

Girl sized band shirts. You can figure out what bands I like at www.last.fm/users/ellisbelle and looking at my top artists.
A nice jacket or two that are comfy and warm but not ugly.
Shoes. Size 7.5. Always need more shoes.
PHP book, so I can learn to be a nerd.
The Enamored Owl laptop skin for a 15.4" laptop. SOFREAKINGCOOL.
A Holga camera, and the film adapter that goes with it, and any accessories and whatnot.
Artala trash can from Umbra
Superman poster. Not necessarily this specific one, just a cool one. (This is the poster I have in the office already, in case it matters)
Retro tin signs: The Incredible Hulk, Spider-Man, Superman, Wolverine, Batman, The Fantastic Four
Vinyl Record Storage Container by retrograndma
Ooh La La Retro Ruffle Apron (don't you want to make a pie just looking at it?)
Jewelry by CatherineMarissa: Itty Bitty Skull and Crossbones studs, Itty Bitty Cupcake studs, Itty Bitty Raincloud studs, Itty Bitty Raincloud ring.
Steampunk Ring by LondonParticulars
Rings by DillonDesigns: Skyline Ring, Damask Ring, and Queen Anne's Lace Ring (size 7)
Dragonfly Wing Ring by JesseDanger - this is one of my favorite things ever.
A mousepad. I love this cupcake one and this skull one by crrysstall, but I can't decide which is my favorite.
A sewing machine.
A set of crochet hooks and knitting needles and other supplies
iTunes gift cards
Tiny Owl Necklace by lulubugjewelry
This WICKED AWESOME steampunk jacket in navy

A note on the Etsy stuff for people who aren't familiar with it: If an item is sold out, just look on the seller's page for another one of the same item.

Hmm. I was sure I had thought of more. I think I just forgot them. Oh well.

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. I don't remember if I was tired the day before that or not, but I probably was. In short: I need a hardcore nap and I'm not getting one any time soon.

I don't know what else to talk about.

Mara

A new afterthought, a stupid idea, I stayed home all day and wished you were here, it's been a hard year...

2009-11-17T13:28:00.001-08:00

You know what makes me kinda mad? When people are convinced they they are right and that anyone who believes differently is stupid or is naive or is foolish because they believe otherwise. I mean, obviously there are times that things are a little different, like yes, Jesus is the only way to God, I am right, anyone who believes something is wrong, there is no other way, etc., but seriously, let's at least understand that the people who DO believe otherwise also think they are right. We aren't the only ones with an opinion that we feel strongly about. Atheists believe that God doesn't exist, possibly just as firmly as we believe that God does exist. So why do people act like they're stupid for believing something different? Like they're fools who can't think just because they're wrong? I even see people do that about those little facets of Christianity that are really just details that don't even (in my opinion, ironically enough) affect ones salvation, like parts of the whole Calvinism vs. Arminianism debate. Calvinists think that Arminians are idiots, and Arminians think Calvinists are idiots. Neither of them really knows who is right. Maybe they're both right, maybe they're both wrong, maybe they should just get over themselves. Makes me sick. I don't care if people believe strongly in something, and I think it's great when people do, but seriously, it's not like people are retards because they don't think like you do. Give everyone some credit and just assume that they are smarter than you. Chances are, they have just as much knowledge to offer you as you have to offer them.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that paragraph made sense, because frankly, I don't really proofread my blog posts. You guys get it all raw and natural, exactly the way it comes out of my brain.

In other news, I'm still prom dress shopping. I really don't know what I want, except that I think I want to have a little more fun with the whole ensemble this year. Also, soon I am going to revise my Christmas/birthday list, again. So if you were just aching inside because you didn't already have a million ideas, you're in luck, because I've come up with more stuff.

I am tired. In pretty much all ways that a person can be tired, I think.

I am very far behind in NaNoWriMo. That's really all there is to say about that.

Today after work I have to stop by the eye doctor to see if they can switch my contacts with a different brand that doesn't hurt my eyes so much. I don't know why these ones have started bothering me so much, but I want to try something new and I haven't opened the box yet. Anyway, yes. After that I'll probably go to Michael's and get some yarn, because I am going to crochet some Mary Jane slipper socks. Or try to, at least.

I am completely lacking creative ability today. My brain is feeling pretty much worthless right now.

Mara

You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I tried to sleep...

2009-11-04T13:09:00.001-08:00

I like this song, and I like Owl City. A lot of people like Owl City, it seems, which is cool. Sophie insists that she liked them before the rest of the world knew about them, but I think that in reality she just found out about them at the same time as everyone else, so she already knew who they were when everyone started talking about them. But you know, hey, maybe she's right. If she read this, which she probably won't, she would probably bring up the time when I said that I thought up the saying "real men wear pink" before I had ever seen a t-shirt that said it. She translated that to mean "I thought of the phrase 'real men wear pink' before anyone else did," and now she won't let me live down something that didn't even really happen.

So, the dude that is Owl City? He loves Jesus. I love it when I find an artist that I like and then I find out AFTERWARD that they love Jesus. High five for you, Adam who is Owl City. I am glad you know Jesus, and I am glad you are a fellow insomniac, and I'm glad your music is so awesome.

Life is basically perfect at this moment. Animal crackers, coffee, and Owl City. Fantastic.

NaNoWriMo update: It is going surprisingly well. I am not too overly stressed about it, and I have gotten my writing done every day so far. Sarah (she is da bombdiggity, and she lives in Ohio) showed me this thing called Write or Die, where you tell it how many words you want to write and how soon you want to write them and how badly you need to get it done, and then it forces you to write by making an obnoxious sound or throwing a pop up in front of you or deleting your words until you start writing again. It is awesome at tricking you into thinking that something terrible will happen if you don't keep writing. Psychological manipulation is great.

Today someone thought I was 22 years old. *pumps fist*

Well, tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, which is lame, but whatever. I won't even tell you about the disgusting issues I'm having, except that my hair looks awful. That's all you need to know.

On the brighter side of things, Andrew and I are going to FINALLY see Where the Wild Things Are tomorrow, and I am really excited. I've been waiting for this movie since last spring when they first released the trailer. We're going to get gelato at Stam beforehand, too, which is tasty and delicious and fun.

I have pink Chucks on. I will have pink Chucks on for another 26 days.

Mara

I threw it all away, and the best part is not knowing just what I threw away...

2009-11-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

NaNoWriMo has begun, and so far I'm clocked in with 1,928 words. Today was easy. Not sure how the rest of the month will be. Eventually I am pretty sure I am going to run out of things to write about and start making up crazy things. So we'll see if this novel turns out to be totally worthless. Frankly, I don't really care that much, I just want to get to 50,000 words.

Today I got a new pair of bright pink high-top Converse Chuck Taylors. They rock. I am going to wear them everywhere until NaNoWriMo is over. They will be good shoes to be stuck in.

Tomorrow night is Andy's big game. I'm excited for it. I really hope they win! I think that this is the game where if we win then we get to play at the Dome. That would be pretty awesome.

I have a headache. Grrrrr. I don't like that.

On Thursday Andrew and I are going to see Where the Wild Things Are. I am super excited. I have been waiting for months and months and months to see that movie.

I sang a Bebo Norman song this morning for church. I love Bebo. Great Light of the World is awesome stuff.

I have two fingernails with hangnails. They hurt. My toes also hurt from wearing crazy heels this morning. So I am just in pain all over right now I guess. Good grief.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed, and I don't really have much to write about tonight. So, I hope your day is wonderful and whatnot.

Mara

Not so fast, come back, come back...

2009-10-29T09:42:00.001-07:00

Alas, today's blog post is a sad one. Copeland has just announced their breakup on their website.

So, today I am mourning the loss of my favorite band. Less than a week ago I was singing along while Aaron Marsh crooned, "Sleep now, Moon, I'll watch over her while the sun is up," and "I'll smile for you now, because you're sad, but I'm not allowed to feel sad," and "I've got my life in a suitcase, I'm ready to run, run, run away." Turns out they really are running away. Turns out I am sad, and no one is smiling. And it turns out Copeland won't be watching over me anymore. Who will empathize with me when my days are riddled with angst? Who will explain exactly how I feel so that I don't have to? Whose music will flow through my green earbuds on sleepless nights while I hold tightly to my stuffed aardvark and whisper the words to my favorite songs? Whose metaphorical shoulder will I cry on when no one else is around?

Copeland, you were the brightest little firefly in my jar, and I hope to see you spark again.

Sincerely,
Mara the sad little Butterfly Child

I've got my life in a suitcase, I'm ready to run, run, run away...

2009-10-28T13:32:00.001-07:00

New blogger background. It's kind of tacky and kind of cute, and it's better than nothing. I gave up on the background I was making because for some reason I was incompetent and the size is way wacky. So, sometime when I have a little more effort to devote I'm going to start from scratch and make something better.

CONCERT. Okay, the concert was amazing. I had SO much fun. I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. Barcelona, the opening band, turned out to be really good, and Andrew bought me their CD which is almost as good as their actual performance. They were a lot like The Fray. I think they have a lot of potential and I hope they put out more good music. Copeland was awesome. Aaron Marsh is a very interesting man, and he has a very pretty voice, and he writes very good songs. I really enjoyed them, and I was getting pretty irritated at all the people that felt it was their duty to proclaim their displeasure all throughout the performance, and I might have smacked them if I wasn't such a nice, peacemaking person. But anyway, in my opinion, Copeland was fantastic. Relient K was a lot of fun. They didn't play any pre-Two Lefts Don't Make A Right, But Three Do songs, which was a little bit disappointing because I am a big fan of a lot of their old music. Softer to Me, For The Moments I Feel Faint, My Girlfriend, and Pressing On are all awesome songs, and I would have liked to hear modernized versions of them. But nevertheless, the band was highly entertaining. We enjoyed some good cover songs, such as a song from The Little Mermaid, the theme songs for The Office and People's Court (an homage to the venue in which the concert took place) and the Five Dollar Footlong song from the Subway commercials. I laughed a lot. The Matt Thiessen/Aaron Marsh duet of Let It All Out was lovely. The whole concert was very good. After the concert we went over to Centro, a tasty restaurant, for some dessert. It was delicious, despite a little mishap that I won't talk about because I don't want you to hate that restaurant. I had the Vanilla Bean Panna Cotta and Andrew had the Chocolate Creme Brule. I also had a decaf latte, and Andrew had a glass of milk. They gave us yummy bread, too. And we drank like, eight glasses of water a piece. The atmosphere was lovely and the food was delicious and the service was great. The whole night was really lovely.

NANOWRIMO. I'm going to either die of nervousness before it starts, or die of lack of sleep once it does. I am seriously going to be writing non-stop until December 1st. But I am so, so, so excited. I am sure my novel will be crap, but I really just want to be able to say that I did it. If nothing else, I've thought through my main two characters pretty well, and I hope to give them a lot of depth, even if the story ends up not being very good. But we'll see how that goes over. I just want to write 50,000 words. That's my goal. So, anyway, I have a special green composition notebook and swirly green pen that I have been scribbling in whenever I think of something. It's an awesome pen. I also have a NaNoWriMo station on Pandora that I am fine-tuning so that it plays the perfect genre of writing music. Nice, mellow, jazzy, folksy, piano rock. It's pretty boss. I feel like maybe I am taking this too seriously, but I don't really care. I am nervous. I am excited.

Today for lunch we all got Hy Vee Chinese food. It was SO GOOD. I love Chinese. LOVE.

Tonight I am going to my little brother's football game. The fake little brother, not a real one. Anyway, it is our district game I think, or something like that, so it's a pretty big deal. We should win. I am stoked for it. Afterwards we'll probably go get some food and have a good time. I think Matt is coming to the game too. Andrew isn't coming because he has to do pep band stuff at the Ballard game tonight, so that is kind of a bummer. But the best part of all is that it is Em's 21st birthday today! Yay! It's pretty weird that she's 21. I think she was 14 when we were first friends. Actually, we weren't friends then. We pretty much didn't like each other at all. But then eventually we spent most of our time together, and I spent the night at their house like, every other weekend. And now we're almost all grown up. Weird. Haha.

The End.

The scene and herd seem to make it all just a little bit worse...

2009-10-22T07:22:00.001-07:00

Today I will write lines from Relient K songs. I'm listening to every Relient K CD today, in order.

Walk through the streets of PA and you may see her
Go up to her and say you're a believer
Disgusting crap on MTV, it makes her smile That guy from Satan's embassy put him on trial

Because Marilyn Manson ate my girlfriend
Satan consumed her mind
And he may do it again
Marilyn Manson ate my girlfriend
She once believed in the truth
Now she believes in sin

Today after work I am going to get some NaNoWriMo supplies. I've decided to try it out, because even if I can't finish I will at least have tried, and there's no harm in that. So I'm going for it. Anyway, so I'm going to get a notebook and a cool pen, and those will be only for writing NaNoWriMo related things. I am going to mainly type my novel, but if I think of something and I want to write it down, I'd better have a sweet pen and a notebook nearby, or else my whole novel might be ruined. That would be not so good.

I think we're going somewhere
We're on to something good here
Out of mind
Out of state
Trying to keep my head on straight

Andrew is getting coffee. He just texted me that. I'm jealous. The thing about Indianola is that it has absolutely nothing worthwhile in it. If you want a latte, you either go without or you go to Des Moines. Well, I guess there are McDonald's lattes now. But seriously, I refuse to lower myself to that level. Actually that isn't true because I did try their mocha once, but I didn't really like it. The espresso tasted cheap and it wasn't sweet enough for me. Ick. So no lattes for me.

It's the principle, it's the issue
That your principal would dismiss you
Because you don't fit into that All-American box
The coffin created for creative thought

Tomorrow night is the concert, and I am SO EXCITED. We are going to have a lot of fun. After the show we're going to get dessert somewhere, which will be fun. We still have to pick somewhere though, so if any Des Moines people know of any restaurants with good dessert near People's Court, definitely let us know.

All this dessert talk is making me hungry.

Well, this is how the story goes
We want everybody to know
We love Skittles and Combos
So bring some to our next show

From our head down to our toes
We love Skittles and Combos
So if you want to see our faces glow
Just bring some to our next show

Deny us Combos
Refuse us Skittles
I admit, those words hurt a little
But we know it'll be okay
If you'll just send some our way

That was a long one. But only because it's a small piece of Relient K greatness. And I am SO HUNGRY. Lunch time is happening now.

Someone please save us, us college kids
What my parents told me is what I did
They said, "Go to school and be a college kid"
But in the end I question why I did

Last night I painted my nails black. Today it is all chipping off. Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear or whatever the name is, your nail polish sucks. I can get cheaper nail polish that stays on for longer than 12 hours. So there. IN YOUR FACE.

Relient K is a good band. I'm excited that I finally get to see them live. Maybe we will even get to meet them! That's always fun.

Okay, taking a little break now from Relient K. Rockin' to some Dead Poetic, and then maybe turning on Pandora for awhile.

Some John Reuben, to switch things up:

I'll make the music if you make it look good
I don't dance, but I think that you should

Pillar is on now. I have not listened to Pillar in a very long time. That's so weird. I miss good bands like this. Sometimes I forget good music for a long time, and then suddenly I remember or it pops onto Pandora or something. That is good, that it comes back eventually. The world can't afford to have good bands slipping through the cracks. Now KJ-52 is on. I could take KJ or leave him, frankly. I'm more of a J-Reu gal. Whoa, hey, Trevor McNevan is in this song! That was a shocker. Run for Cover is the song, for the record. Hmm. Interesting. I think I approve of this song. It's definitely got some TFK tinged stuff in it, along with KJ's rappin'. Makes for an interesting mix.

Okay, I am going to stop giving you a play-by-play of what Pandora is pulling up, because I am boring myself, and I can't imagine you, the reader, are feeling too differently.

Tonight I thought I had worship team, but it turns out that I don't. So, that means I am going to bed early. I'm forcing myself. Plus, Andrew made me promise to get to sleep by 10, and I said I would. I need to get over this half-sickness, so some sleep is definitely in order. Before I sleep, however, I think I might see if Mom wants to make some chocolate mug cake and watch a movie or something. I need some chillaxin' time.

Hahaha. Steve just emailed me. Turns out the Info2Go brochures have a square black box on the back where we had thought the printing people were going to but a business card holder. Smooth move on our part. I think we just forgot to tell them to add that over the top of the box. So we have a whole slew of funny looking brochures. Funny stuff.

Back to Relient K.

Rudolf's puking balls of holly
And old Saint Nick ain't all that jolly
The sleigh's in the shop, 'cause it's broken down
But Christmas won't stop
Santa Clause is thumbing to town

I just had to make a phone call for work. Scary. I mean, it wasn't any big deal, but making phone calls isn't really my thing. It freaks me out. I'm always scared that I sound like an idiot.

Unfortunately the new blogger background is throwing a fit, so it might have to wait a while. For now, you get this nice, icky brown. I am sick of that butterfly one. I am really ADD about changing backgrounds to things. My desktop wallpaper changes every couple of weeks, at least. I'm a little weird about stuff like that sometimes.

You said, "I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems to much to bear,
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Why am I so flibbin' hungry all the time? Good gravy.

Okay. End blog post.

Sincerely,
Belle

With your eyes closed, watching a strange show play out in your head...

2009-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Click here to see my Etsy favorites. Those are all also good Christmas/birthday gift ideas. Some of them are expensive though and thus are just fun to look at.

Okay. Christmas list update! I am adding everything to the bottom of the original list and reposting it. Most of the new things are links that I've had saved for a long time, and some of them are selections from my favorite Etsy things.

Girl sized band shirts. You can figure out what bands I like at www.last.fm/users/ellisbelle and looking at my top artists.
A nice jacket or two that are comfy and warm but not ugly.
Shoes. Size 7.5. Always need more shoes.
PHP book, so I can learn to be a nerd.
The Enamored Owl laptop skin for a 15.4" laptop. SOFREAKINGCOOL.
A Holga camera, and the film adapter that goes with it, and any accessories and whatnot.
Artala trash can from Umbra
Superman poster. Not necessarily this specific one, just a cool one. (This is the poster I have in the office already, in case it matters)
Retro tin signs: The Incredible Hulk, Spider-Man, Superman, Wolverine, Batman, The Fantastic Four
Vinyl Record Storage Container by retrograndma
Ooh La La Retro Ruffle Apron (don't you want to make a pie just looking at it?)
Jewelry by CatherineMarissa: Itty Bitty Skull and Crossbones studs, Itty Bitty Cupcake studs, Itty Bitty Raincloud studs, Itty Bitty Raincloud ring.
Steampunk Ring by LondonParticulars
Rings by DillonDesigns: Skyline Ring, Damask Ring, and Queen Anne's Lace Ring (size 7)
Dragonfly Wing Ring by JesseDanger - this is one of my favorite things ever.
A mousepad. I love this cupcake one and this skull one by crrysstall, but I can't decide which is my favorite.

Okay, I think that's all for now.

I am thinking of doing NaNoWriMo next month. I think I'm going to do it. I am going to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. That's about 175 pages. The largest novel I ever wrote was 34 pages, unfinished. I was 11. So, I guess I am going to brainstorm plots and stuff while I'm deciding. To be honest with you, and to show what a nerd I am, this how-to article is sort of what got me started thinking about it. It's got some good tips. I mean, I have always kind of secretly wanted to do it, and Hans does it and he's cool, and I think Sarah and Lara do it too, and I kind of want to be just like them. I don't know. This sounds intense. Mom said that if I do it I should only wear my cowboy boots until I finish. That's what my cousin Maren did while she was working on an art final for college.

I decided today to get some eggplant colored tights. That's all I really have to say on that point.

I WANT A SODA SO BAD. I don't think I can take it. I can drink diet soda now without gagging, so that's awesome. But seriously. I think I'm going to have to get one. I have been really good about not buying snacks and stuff lately, so I don't even have to feel that guilty about it. Plus, I could get diet. Oh yes. It's happening.

Three days until Relient K and Copeland. I am SO excited. I'm listening to Copeland now to get myself all prepared. I'm trying to make sure I know all the lyrics. Hahaha.

I've got my life in a suitcase
I'm ready to run, run, run away
I've got no time, because I'm always
Trying to run, run run away
Because every day, it feels like it's only a game
I've got my life in a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase

This blog is getting really long. Sorry guys. You really don't have to read it. *laugh*

Could you be happy to fall like a stone
If you'd land right here safe in my arms?
It's fine
Lock all your doors through the night
Keep it all right here safe in my arms
It's fine

I think I'll just continue to quote songs. Maybe it'll help me learn them better or something. Or, if nothing else, it's just fun.

Where I hung my coat
That's where I left my head
So you'd be wise to doubt
Every word I ever said
'Cause I just woke to eat some chocolate and go straight back
I'll go straight back to bed

Where's my head?

I am a pro at this. And also I love Copeland.

So. Andrew is job shadowing an actuary today. That's a pretty big deal. I am excited for him, but I am also pretty nervous, because it could end up having a pretty huge impact on whether he moves far, far away next year or if he only moves sort of far away. I am hoping that he loves the job so that he will just go to Drake instead of going to UPenn. Pennsylvania is a long drive.

He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy
She was a wreck, but he loved her
She was a wreck, but so was he
And the last time he saw Dorie he didn't know what to say
But "thank you, because you loved me
It's all on me, because I didn't want to stay"

Live, live, live
Live because you love, love love
And love will make you give, give, give
And give in when you break, break break
But you just want to fix yourself
Just to break again

There is a new blogger background coming, and I actually made it. It's coming along. It's hard to know if something looks good when you've stared at it for too long, so we'll see what happens with it.

Okay. I think that is the end of this blog. It's getting excessive.

Sincerely,
Mara the Butterfly

But it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had...

2009-10-18T17:44:00.001-07:00

Pandora Radio and I have been good friends lately. It's a very cool piece of technology. I know I am kind of behind in the times for not having used it already, but Steve (my boss) just recently explained what it was to me, and it sounded pretty cool, so I gave it a try. It's pretty cool to see the songs it picks and why it picks them. For example, the song that's playing right now is called Past In Present by Fiest, and Pandora chose it because "it features electric rock instrumentation, folk influences, a subtle use of vocal harmony, mild rhythmic syncopation, and acoustic rhythm piano." Pretty awesome, huh?

I am sick today. I have spent most of the day on the couch. I skipped church and slept until 11 or so, and then laid around and watched tons of The Office and watched episodes of FlashForward and House and slept some more and ate some food here and there. Oh, and I cut my thumb open while I was slicing some apples. It's hard to text message when you have a band-aid on your thumb. Right now I am sipping Crystal Light. I am going to watch more The Office and then work on my bible study so that I don't walk into the room feeling like a complete and utter failure for not having anything done, which is how it's been pretty much every week.

Okay, so get this. I clicked on the song I've Got Ten Friends and a Crowbar That Says You Won't Do Jack" by Underoath (yeah, that one's a mouth full) and here are some of the "Features of This Song":

hard rock roots
electronica influences
punk influences
a subtle use of vocal counterpoint
a subtle use of vocal harmony
groove based composition
demanding instrumental part writing
minor key tonality
dirty electric guitar riffs
an aggressive male vocalist
electric pianos
an unintelligible vocal delivery
classic rhodes sound

These are just a few of the hundreds of attributes cataloged for this song by the Music Genome Project.

Whoa! That's just something else. Heh. "Unintelligible vocal delivery." Funny.

Random: This week I should hit 123,456 miles on my car. I hope to take a picture with my phone.

I have a date on Friday. Copeland, Relient K, and dessert. The best things.

Mara

The closer I come to you, the closer I am to finding God, you're a miracle to me...

2009-10-13T14:33:00.001-07:00

Here is the Christmas List so far, with some stuff added to the stuff I already mentioned:

Neat belts.
The All Natural Face vegan eyeshadows: Forest Nymph, Evening Orchid, Subdued, and any other pretty ones
The All Natural Face eyeshadow primer
The All Natural Face facial hydration mist
Autobot belt buckle. Yes, this is the second year I have asked for this.
Girl sized band shirts
Shoes, size 7.5
The Enamored Owl laptop skin for 15.4" laptop
Holga camera with film adapter
iTunes gift cards
Underoath CDs (I already have "They're Only Chasing Safety")
PHP book, CSS book, other coding books so I can learn to be a nerd
Dragonfly Wing Ring by JesseDanger on Etsy
Very cute journal with pink skulls on it
Cute exercise clothes

I am sad because I don't think that ModCloth has the dress I love anymore. Anyway, I will keep adding to the list as I think of more stuff.

Today I am sleepy and bored. I don't have many days like that. But I guess that just happens sometimes. I am excited to go home and wear comfy clothes and relax for awhile. First I am going to the craft store to get yarn and a crochet hook to make Andrew a new winter hat. He asked me to make him one, and the one that he has now is all stretched out and messed up. I am pretty excited to try crocheting a hat because I've never done that before. It is a pretty plain hat so it shouldn't give me any trouble. I think after this I will knit the hat I have been meaning to make for myself, and then try to crochet something more complicated. So yep. That's the plan.

Sincerely,
Marabelle

Baby, close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light...

2009-10-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Andrew informed me last week that he is planning on the two of us going to his senior prom in the spring. For some reason that caught me by surprise. I don't know why I wasn't expecting that he would want to go. I just had it in my head that he wouldn't care about prom this year and so we just wouldn't go. But I was wrong, and he is looking forward to it. Needless to say, I am now kind of excited to start looking for a dress, even though that is still really far away. I am trying to get a head start and an idea of what I want, and also it's just one more way that I can let out some of the girliness that doesn't get to see the light of day very often. Makeup, prom dresses, and Bath & Body. Those are pretty much the only things in the realm of girlishness that I get very excited about. Well, there might be more, but those are the only ones I can think of. All the other times I am pretty much game for action movies and superheroes and driving fast and Carter and Owen's slimy creatures and stuff like that.

Kim, I don't know if you read this or not, but I didn't forget that you wanted to come dress shopping with me. That will definitely happen.

Today is a food-filled day. Some days are like that. They are delicious, at least. I don't think I've eaten a ton or anything, it just feels like it. I will be back at it tomorrow, eating good stuff and working out and stuff. Speaking of which, Andrew says he can tell I'm skinner, and that makes me so insanely happy. I mean, it isn't like I have a huge weight loss goal or anything, but getting down to 115 doesn't seem unreasonable, and I'm really excited to be getting closer.

On Friday Andrew is coming over. We are going to watch Say Anything, because it is one of my favorite movies and he hasn't ever seen it. I am really excited, and I don't really even know why, because it isn't like we are doing something super special or out-of-the-ordinary. Just movie night at my house in comfy clothes with yummy snacks. That just sounds really, really nice though. So, anyway, I am super excited for that.

Something I am excited for that IS a big deal is happening next weekend. Friday, October 23rd my lovely boy is taking me to see Relient K and Copeland in Des Moines. It is going to be SO FUN. I love both of those bands. I have the best boyfriend in the whole entire world. Seriously, it's true.

Mark just murdered my ears with one of those super-insane-high-pitched ringtones on his iPhone. I have pretty good hearing, but that was painfully high and painfully loud. My ears still feel funny.

~~Twenty more minutes and I can leave!~~

I am really into a few different TV shows right now, which is pretty unusual. With the rise of Hulu and Netflix, however, it's like this whole new world has opened itself up to me. It's kind of dangerous, but pretty great sometimes too. Right now I am in the middle of Season 4 of the Office. Yeah, I'm a little behind. Honestly, I really only watch it for Jim and Pam, and I know that they just got married like, last week or something, so I am just waiting around until they hook up and then we'll see if it holds my interest. It is a hilarious show and I laugh out loud every time I watch it, so I might become a loyal follower. The other show I am into is Psych, but you already knew that most likely. Psych is the best show. I have gotten into FlashForward as well, but I am starting to wonder if they are going to end up totally going around in circles and getting more and more confusing like LOST. LOST is great, but I would kind of like to watch a show that eventually actually ENDS. So, we'll see how that turns out. I also watched the House season premier, which was pretty incredible, and I plan on continuing to watch that as well, if I have the time. I am not sure when I am planning to fit in all these TV shows, but lately Sunday afternoons and evenings have become my TV catch-up time.

I need a song line for a title. I still haven't thought of one. It's more difficult because Steve's music is playing, and I don't know any of those lyrics. Not blog-title-worthy ones at least. And I forgot my headphones so I can't listen to my music. So, I am still pondering. I will think of one soon, I'm sure. I've had enough songs running through my mind lately that it really should be easier than this.

There. That'll do it.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

When I'm with you, my heart is home...

2009-10-07T14:04:00.001-07:00

Alex Arthur's new song Breaker is fantastic. Ben sent it to me a week or so back. Listen.

My hair is black. Well, almost black. Pretty close. Here is a bad webcam photo so you can have a sneak peek.

I am still thinking about Christmas presents. I know there are some eyeshadows I want, and some other makeup things. I could use some belts. My perfume will probably be close to gone by then, and I've picked a new kind that I want. There are probably plenty of CDs I want. Band shirts are good, too. Yep, there are lots of things.

Today is Ian's birthday. I got him the Family Force 5 Christmas Pageant CD and gave it to him last night. He apparently listened to it all morning. He's a goofball.

I love Underoath. Someone should get me some Underoath CDs, because I only have They're Only Chasing Safety. That one is amazing though. But I definitely need more. Oh yes.

This is a short blog. It was written all throughout my work day and it's STILL short. Maybe I am just bored or something. Hmm. That could be.

Mara Tenille

Christmas time is here...

2009-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Today is a pretty okay day. I am tired, but I am still happy because for starters, I have lost 7 pounds, putting me almost halfway to my rather small weight loss goal. I am doing better at counting my calories and I've worked out semi-consistently so far. I'm also happy because Family Force 5's Christmas CD came out today. I think I will buy it one of these days for my family and I. I bet it's awesome.

I am going to start my Christmas/birthday list now. I am starting pretty late this year, actually. Here is what I have so far:

Girl sized band shirts. You can figure out what bands I like at www.last.fm/users/ellisbelle and looking at my top artists.
A nice jacket or two that are comfy and warm but not ugly.
Shoes. Size 7.5. Always need more shoes.
PHP book, so I can learn to be a nerd.
The Enamored Owl laptop skin for a 15.4" laptop. SOFREAKINGCOOL.
A Holga camera, and the film adapter that goes with it, and any accessories and whatnot.

I had lots more but I can't remember them now. I will think of them and then add them in another post.

Last night I watched Lost at the Harms and Andrew and Andy. That is always lots of fun. We ate homemade pizza and spoon fudge. It was good times. Lewis talks a ton now, which is hilarious. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey you! Come chase me!"

My new laptop bag came yesterday. It is pretty cute. It's blue and brown. I love waiting for packages. I am waiting for all my new makeup to come in, which is fun. For some reason I usually end up expecting more than one package at a time, which then makes it kind of sad when they come and then I don't have anything to anticipate.

Time to go home! I should sit down and do a blog that might actually entertain people one of these days. That would probably be good.

Mara

If you see me at midnight walking the streets, you'll know it's me, for I cannot sleep...

2009-09-22T09:40:00.001-07:00

I pushed away the dreams and spoiled the quiet
I'm propelled by fear and not the righteous

So have you been to a place like this?
To see your breath as it paints against the sky
The fever is near, I wish you were here...
the city lights - umbrellas

Here are some song lines that are awesome from throughout my day today.

So what if now is all you have?
Live as if you never knew what it was to lose...
dark - terminal

I want to see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing, Spirit, take me up in arms with you...
twenty-four - switchfoot

It's you and me, we could get out of here
Jump in and go and we could drive for years
We could feel alive...
summertime - mae

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out...
broken - lifehouse

Hands like secrets are the hardest things to keep from you
Lines and phrases like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down
Repair
You dismantle me...
dismantle. repair. - anberlin

When I'm losing all control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down...
look after you - the fray

The only chance that I have tonight
Is if something that I ate made my dreams not right...
where's my head - copeland

And if you get caught in the fire
Just think about what made your heart cry out
For a little fire at all
cover what you can - copeland

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this...
when i go down - relient k

Call me a liar, call me your friend
I will let you down again
Because I'm a disaster of epic proportions
I will let you down again...
the end - the classic crime

Oh no, I'm crossing my fingers
In hopes that you will not leave me...
same problem - waking ashland

I'm alive, but tell me am I free?
I've got eyes, but tell me can I see?
The sky is falling but no one knows...
sky is falling - lifehouse

Say when, and my own two hands will carry you tonight...
say when - the fray

Consequence is our need in times like this
Feeling free is our modern disease...
young and aspiring - underoath

The only chance that I have tonight is if something that I ate made my dreams not right...

2009-09-19T12:08:00.001-07:00

Today I am watching the Chicken Shed while Mrs. Harmsen is at a college visit with Andy. It's kind of fun, actually. Even though I haven't the faintest idea how to decorate with this stuff. It's still kind of nice. I enjoy it. Plus, it smells really good in here all the time, which is fun.

Tonight I have a hawt date with my boyfriend. He's the best ever in the world. We are going to Hickory Park and then to the forest preserve to go on a walk. I was just talking to Kim last night about how he and I go on walks all the time. I think it's because it's free and we actually get to interact with each other, and it's just kind of fun. I don't know. We just like it.

Lots of customers today. That is kind of nice. It means there are actually things for me to do.

My boss said he would buy me an ActionScript book so that I can learn it. That is awesome. I am actually really excited to learn a scripting language, as nerdy as that is. I also am asking for a book on PHP and MySQL for Christmas and my birthday. Those are also nerdy things. I am turning into a computer geek really, really fast. But I like my job a lot. It's pretty awesome. And even though I keep saying that I am left out because I am the only employee without a Macbook Pro, I get the biggest moniter except for Steve, and that's pretty cool, and the PC I use is pretty much outfitted to do everything I could ever need it to do, which is cool. It is a good job, and it's a lot of fun.

Sold more stuff. W00t! I think I am getting better about guessing the prices for all the things that aren't priced. Which is a LOT of things, let me tell you. It's a challenge. I always feel the need to tell customers, "Well, I don't price any of this, and a lot of time there aren't stickers, so I'm going to say it's this much and hopefully that works out well."

The Chicken Shed is jamming to some Copeland today.

I am kind of sleepy today. Being at Kim's until 1 AM was probably not helpful as far as being awake. It was fun though, so it was worth it. Plus, I would probably be sleepy anyway, because I pretty much always am.

Andrew stopped in to visit me. He is sweet.

Well. I guess I'm out of things to say.

Sincerely,
Mara the Butterfly

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you, to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind...

2009-09-17T10:13:00.001-07:00

I am going to write more songs. I have to. It has been far too long.

Today when I get home from work the new guitar strings are going on. annA and Zardo are getting all fixed up just in time for what I hope to be my big musical comback. Haha, yeah, so the musical comeback basically amounts to Mara-wants-to-record-a-couple-covers-and-re-record-some-old-songs. But hey, I might even break out the keyboard. Show off my mad skillz. Actually, in case you didn't know, I am terrible at playing the keyboard. I really should have learned how to read music back in the day when I had the time, but I didn't. Andrew has said for years now that he would teach me, and he hasn't yet. *hinthint*

I somehow managed to get gunk on the keys of my laptop keyboard. I will now clean them.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ,m, m n,,mmmmm xszasfgyhjuiolokijklouuuuuuuuuuuuuuiiiujiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu';lo,juyioikjukiju

That is a little bit better.

Right now I am listening to the playlist that is featured on my dear friend Emily's blog. She likes good music, and she writes good things. Her blog is one of my favorites.

Mom got home laaaaaate last night. I don't know what time because I was asleep. So, it is good that she is finally home. I missed her. It was nice to get to be my own person for a while, I won't lie, but it's also nice to have a mom.

Wow, I got the news done really early today. High five for me.

I am hungry, and I have very little food.

I keep finding all these new little dings on my iPod. How to I manage that? Good grief. It's not like I drop it all the time or anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly the most protective person in the world when it comes to my technology, but seriously, how do I manage to get all my expensive stuff so scratched and dinged up?

My tummy is grumbling at me and my computer has problems.

We just figured out that Matt, my coworker/partner in crime is older than Steve, our boss. How hilarious is that? He has him by like 5 months. That is so funny. I am still the young'un though. Oh well.

Tomorrow is Friday. I am going to Kim's house for a chick flick night. I'm excited for that. Then, on Saturday, I have to run the Chicken Shed and then after that I am going on a date with my lovely boyfriend. He is taking me to Hickory Park and then we are going on a walk. We go on a lot of walks, for some reason. That is okay though, because walking is fun, and it's free, and we actually get to talk to each other. Anyway, when we're done walking we might go watch a movie back at his house.

It is finally lunch time. That is such a good thing right now. Oh man. I am so hungry today for some reason.

Mara

Forget love, I just want you to make sense to me tonight...

2009-09-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

Is this too hard?
Am I asking so much?
Is this impossible for you, Love?

Sometimes I get irritated at stuff.

Today was a sort of busy day but sort of not at all. I woke up at 10, which was AWESOME. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it felt to sleep that late, and actually be asleep the whole time. I normally sleep terribly, so to only wake up a couple times is really, really nice. Much less to actually be able to stay asleep until 10. So, I woke up, got all Iowa'd up, and then went to the Chicken Shed to hang out with Em. We didn't really do anything. I tinkered with my laptop, which has been outfitted with Ubuntu and all the necessary packages and programs to make it compatible with stuff. It took me two days to find a music player that actually played music. Is that too much to ask of a music player? That it play music? I don't think so, personally. But you know, maybe I am setting my sights too high. Anyway, after that I came home, made all these fun plans to go out with my friends, and then almost all of them bailed on me and we ended up doing nothing. So, I grocery shopped all by myself. I think I did pretty well, but we'll see if we run out of food by Wednesday or not. Then I came home. I am listening to Anchor&Braille, as you may have guessed by the title of this blog and the lyrics below it, and making my laptop awesomer, and IMing Benjamin, and a bit ago I was eating some cereal. Cereal is so delicious. I would die without it, I think.

Aaron Marsh + Steven Christian = Amazing.

I tweet a lot. I hope that is not annoying.

On Friday I got my new glasses and contacts. I have only worn my contacts once, for just a little while, but I have been wearing my new glasses since then. They are cute, I think, but I am a little concerned about the perscription. I still feel like I live inside a glass bubble, and it's been a whole day. Is that normal, or should I have gotten used to the new perscription by now? I am mostly just concerned that the eye doctor gave me lenses that are too strong. Maybe I do just need to get used to it though. Hmm. I hope they didn't mess it up.

Now I am listening to Snowbirds And Townies by Futher Seems Forever. Cheesiest, stupidest song ever. But, I will admit, I love it.

I bought an eyeliner brush today for my new mineral makeup. I am really excited to try it out. I love my new foundation. I need to order a regular sized thingy of it before the sample size that I have is all gone. I have lots and lots of little eyeshadow samples that are a lot of fun, too. I wore gold sparkly stuff on my eyes today to be festive for the Iowa/Iowa State game. Which, by they way, ended wonderfully, with Iowa smashing ISU.

Tomorrow morning is church. I need to pick something to wear.

My friend Sarah had her baby. His name is William Marcus McDied. I am excited for her and her husband. They are both lovely people, and I am sure their son will be a lovely boy.

Out of my arms
And into the air
So far from your charms
That I cannot bear
Another year
In this long-forgotten beach town we once shared

I am a sleepy kid. I think it is maybe time to watch some Superman and go to sleep. Mmmmmm, tea. That sounds nice, too. Maybe I will make some.

Sincerely,
Marabelle
The Butterfly Child

After all this time I never thought we'd be here...

2009-09-10T09:14:00.001-07:00

Today is Thursday. Not quite Friday yet. Tonight I have nothing to do. That needs to change.

Mom is on a plane to Houston RIGHT NOW. I miss her.

Lifelight was really fantastic. We all had tons of fun. Manic Drive's guitarist is AWESOME. He does this constant robot dance thing while he plays guitar. Listen to that band. Their new CD rocks, and my copy was the first one ever that the band autographed. That is pretty cool. Family Force 5 was really good, too. Fatty prayed at the end of the concert, which was way cool of him. I found the guitar pick that (I assume) Chap Stique threw at the crowd on the ground while we were cleaning up trash in front of the stage after everything ended. I was a happy kid because of that. I also bought an Esterlyn T-shirt that his fingerletters on it. It's cute. We sat in the hottub every night, which was SWEET. And other things were awesome, too, but that is going to take forever to talk about, so just know that the trip was awesome.

Saturday I am going to work the Chicken Shed. I am going to listen to the radio while I do it. But not just any radio station. I am going to listen to the Iowa/Iowa State game. The game where Iowa will win.

Me and Matt Rittman work together now. We even share an office now. A much nicer office than my old office. It has a coffeemaker in it now. And we want to get a minifridge and a microwave. I think we actually have an old microwave in the basement. I should bring that. Then we can make popcorn whenever we want and we don't have to use the wacky microwave in the records room.

Me and Matt are working on the new Info2Go website. It's going to rock.

I hate when I lack inspiration for designy things. Or just in general.

We are putting another desk in here for Steve. Hahaha. This room is going to be the party room.

I think I am going to get some of my awesome superhero signs to put up in this office. The walls are ugly and need to be decorated. I am also going to look for cool posters at Wal Mart today. Sometimes they have neat movie posters there.

That is all.

Mara

We're gonna party...

2009-09-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am blogging right now while I wait for Corel Paint Shop Pro to install. We are on the road to Sioux Falls for LifeLight! Steven let me borrow his magic stick that runs the internet everywhere you go, so I am able to do awesome things. I do actually have to work, which is the reason I have it. The news needs to get done once this is all installed, and then I will probably pass the laptop off to someone else so they can check their facebook or whatever. Anyway. Yep. Awesomesauce.

I am getting a cold. That is not a fun thing, but maybe it will go away before it gets worse.

I am sitting in the back seat between Peter and Sierra.

Yay! Everything is all installed now, so I have to get to work. Later.

Mara

On these boats ride the hopes of working class boys dreaming of girls from far away points...

2009-08-23T22:26:00.001-07:00

Andrew is amazing. I am sure that some of you are sure that I only think that because he is my boyfriend and so of course I think that, but if you knew him you would understand. He is amazing. For two weeks we didn't see each other, and so last night he FINALLY gets back, and I was already really excited, but I get home from work and who is standing in my back yard waiting for me? Yes, Andrew. So.Sweet. And he brought me chocolates. AWESOMESAUCE.

Anyway, he is the best. Today we went for a walk on a nice little trail up in Ames. We also walked around the mall and ate some tropical sno. It was really nice.

I missed that boy a lot. I am glad he is home.

Tomorrow a very sleep deprived me is going to work. I am not going to have an typos on anything that I work on. I am also not going to eat crazy amounts of food. And when I am done working I am going to do some crunches and go to sleeeeeeeeep. Dieting for the win! (Yes, I did just spell that out. So wh at.)

Wednesday night is my last night working at Panera, which is exciting. It has been a pretty good place to work so far, but I am glad it is over, just so that I can have time to do things. It is going to be a good thing.

I need to write more songs.

I am listening to a good playlist right now. I made it. I have good taste in music.

I miss my big brother. College sucks.

Tuesday night - Lost
Wednesday night - Panera
Thursday night - worship team
Friday night - FOOTBALL!!! Go little bro!
Saturday - Prairie Fest talent show (I think it is just a show this year and not a competition. Oh well. No $100 for me.)
Sunday - Church at the park, other Prairie Fest stuff
Monday - work and maybe Lost

I am ready to sleep now, I think.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

Halfway around the world lies the one thing that you want...

2009-08-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is leaving at the end of this week. One of my best. He is my big brother, and I am his baby sis'. When I want to laugh the hardest I go to him. When I need to be cheered up he always makes it happen. We shared earbuds and annoyed the people around us by humming along with the songs we were listening to, or sometimes just belting it out as if everyone could hear the music. Sometimes in school we had southern accent days, or sometimes we had musical days where we could only sing the things we said. We just had fun all the time. He very quickly grew to be one of my favorite people. I don't want him to leave. But Patrick will be leaving for UNI on Saturday, and that will be that.

And to add to all of that business, I miss Andrew. Tomorrow is his birthday. He will be 18. He comes home on Saturday. One more week. I can do it.

Mara

I hold it all when I hold you...

2009-08-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

Hello little blog! I am back from vacation. I will not proceed to tell you all about it.

The family reunion was first, and was fun. Not really anything to comment on there, except that my cousins have some really cute kids.

The vacation part of the vacation was good. I got sort of homesick, so I am glad to be home. I kayaked a teensy bit, just around the little swimming area of the lake. I didn't really swim lots, but I did fish a little bit, but we declared that the lake was mostly fishless. I also crocheted like a little old lady. I made some neato things. And I lounged around the cabins and gained a couple pounds, but that brings me to my next point... the diet plan! W00tW00t!

So, Andrew informed me a couple of weeks ago that after he is back from Houston he is going to stop eating junk food and start working out, and that I had to make sure he did it. So, in order to motivate him, and in order to buff up my bod, I am going to do it too. So I am going to cut out junk food and pop and start working out more. So, Andrew is supposed to keep me motivated, and I am supposed to keep him motivated, and if anyone else would like to join us in either getting in shape or keeping us motivated, you are more than welcome. So, here is my thinking:

At least 100 crunches per day
No junk food. This includes chocolate, candy, and Pop Tarts. Basically all my favorite things. *sniff*
Yoga and Pilates, baby.
Once a week I can have Mountain Dew or candy or chocolate. Just once a week. No exceptions.
This shindig starts when Andrew gets back. Which will either be Thursday or Saturday, if I remember right

So yep. That's the deal.

Anyway, I have to go and unload stuff now.

I miss my boy. *sniffle*

Sincerely,
The Butterfly Child

We're only taking turns holding this world, it's how it's always been, when you're older you'll understand...

2009-08-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

...And then again, maybe you won't.

I am worried for two of my friends, because they are hurting, and there is not anything I can do. A year and a half is a long time to be with someone, and I know that having to end that has been and will be hard on them both. On the more selfish side of things, I hope that my friendship with each of them is not impacted.

I am not feeling well today. All day long I have just been weird. My head is spinny and all sorts of weird things are hurting. And I still have to work at Panera until 10 tonight.

Work has been pretty good today. I am nearly finished with the advertisement I have been working on, which is a good feeling. I like to be productive.

Last night was my last youth group ever. I would probably have a lot to say about it if I wasn't feeling to crappy. It was a lot of fun. I am going to miss all my friends. I have to say, it is going to be nice to have that free time on Sunday nights. So, I am no longer a high schooler in any way. That is pretty cool.

Ouch. Headache. What the heck is wrong with me today?

Well, it is just about time to head out. I have to go and pick up my clothes and change and then head to Panera. *sigh*

Mara

You keep coming back disassembled...

2009-07-31T13:59:00.001-07:00

Today is Friday. Woo hoo!

I am kinda sleepy. But tomorrow is Saturday, which means I can sleep in. So that is good.

I am making a nifty advertisement. It has lots of fun animated things. Well, I think they are fun because I just learned how to do most of them. They are cool to me. Soon I will know how to animate lots of things and it'll be really cool.

Tonight: Wedding rehearsal! Yay! I am super excited for Matt and Sara's wedding. I am playing guitar for part of it.

Tomorrow: Wedding! Yay!

Sunday: Last youth group EVER. W00t!

Right now: My skin disease on my nose is back again. Sooooo ugly and gross. Not fun.

So. Let's see. I don't really have much to talk about. I am boring.

Well. I guess this blog post will just be lame.

Mara

We will come out when it's safe for us...

2009-07-28T11:23:00.001-07:00

I am going to learn how to crochet this week. FOR REAL. It is going to be rockin'. I bought some supplies and everything and a book to teach me and I looked up some cute patterns, and soon I will get yarn, and then I will be all set. Woo hoo!

I got some eyeshadow on Etsy today. It was very nearly free. I basically paid $2 for shipping. I needed eyeshadow, too, so that is a good thing. I need an eyeshadow brush, and then my makeup collection will be set for awhile.

Soon I am going to budget out all of the money I am making. Here is the rough draft:

20% - save/not to be spent
40% - save for guitar
10% - give to Jesus
10% - gas
20% - checking account/to be spent if needed

If I save 40% for my guitar, then I should have around $560 in a month towards that. That means that I could conceivably have the money for a very nice guitar by the fall. I like that idea a lot. I am thinking that 40% is pretty high though, so I might end up doing more like 30% and then adding that other 10% to the not-to-be-spent fund. 30% is still a lot, and it wouldn't really take me that much longer to get my guitar that way, and since I am not even totally sure what kind of guitar I want yet that is not really a big deal at all. So maybe I will do that. I don't really know how to budget so this is totally just me pondering. Hahaha. I hope I don't sound like a fool.

I miss Bass.

Today I downloaded a music editing program called Acid Express. I am excited to see if it is cool or not. I haven't ever used one of these fun looping program things, so it should be a fun time.

Mara the Butterfly

There's really no way to reach me, because I'm already gone...

2009-07-20T13:51:00.001-07:00

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
But this is the distance
And this is my gameface

Another redec. This is a lot less obnoxious. It's sort of pretty, I think. We'll see how I feel about it after I look at it for a while. Sooner or later I will just make my own and then I don't have to keep disliking the ones offered to me.

So. Right now I am at work. Why am I not working, you ask? Because there is not really anything to work on. And I'm hungry. The hungry thing doesn't really have anything to do with anything, except that it is annoying. I think I will eat something.

Tonight I am going to a baseball game. Go Bridge!

I have a headache. A dull, nasty one. Not cool. I think maybe I just need a little nap. I am sleep deprived.

I am getting tired of working at Panera. It keeps sucking up my evenings and being unpredictable. I don't like that. I want to have time with my friends and my family and just to do stuff. Like read books and watch movies and make stuff and go out with my awesome boyfriend and hang out with my friends and watch movies with my family and things like that.

I am making some nifty icons. I am finally feeling somewhat inspired about these things. Is graphic design this hit-or-miss for everybody?

Alright. There isn't anything else to blog about today. Adios!

Mara

I'm just trying to find my way back to the five, got a lot on my mind, gonna figure it out...

2009-07-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yay! Blog redecorate! Not sure how I feel about this one yet, but I was getting a little bored with the green leaves. This might be a lot too girly for me.

So, I'm feeling pretty bored right now. Not really much to do at work today. I did get someone to work for me on Saturday at Panera, which is good. Right now I am at Info2Go though. I need something to do that is productive before I explode.

I want these. I think I will get them. www.shopknuckleheads.com is the website, I believe.

This is going to break me clean in two, this is going to bring me close to you...

2009-06-22T21:52:00.001-07:00

Mara has two jobs now. Hooray!

My new job is doing graphic design for Info2Go, a new company that is putting television screens above gas pumps with advertisements and news and weather and whatnot displayed on it. Anyway, I will be designing the ads, assuming these first couple of weeks go well. It sounds like it could be a really neat opportunity. I'm excited. I am hoping, though, that I am able to keep working at Panera, just because it's that much more money and because I think I will enjoy working there. However, this Info2Go thing is just a way better opportunity, assuming I am able to do what they want, and so really that is what I have to think about. If I can't do both I will not be too down about it or anything. But you know. It's nice to stay busy, and earn money.

I realized today that it would not take me very long to save for a new guitar. A pretty nice one, even. Mom wasn't too keen on that.

Panera is going well so far. I have around 17 hours this week, which is pretty good, in my opinion.

VBS is happening this week. It's pretty fun. I missed about half of it tonight because I had to work, but I will be there the rest of the week. I get to work with the 1st and 2nd graders, which is fun because a lot of them are kids I have been around at VBS since they were in Pre-K/K. Plus, Carter and Owen are both in my group, which is just rockin'.

I need to start getting some sleep one of these days. For real.

I have been listening to The Fray again. I got their first CD, so I am acquainting myself with it. I am enjoying basically all of the songs so far. I really like their music, which surprises me because they are so popular. Maybe they are just that good, or maybe I am just a failure at music.

I cannot see nearly well enough with these glasses. Not to mention they are just ugly. I don't even know what I was thinking when I picked them. Ick.

Work tomorrow. Then possibly lunch with Wendy. Then maybe running to some places quick to look for cute summer shirts and shorts. Then home. Then VBS. Then home again. Then sleep.

Wednesday: Must wake up obscenely early. Work in Indianola for Info2Go. Then home. Then VBS. Then potentially some stargazing. Then home. Then sleep. Lots of it.

Thursday: VBS

Friday: Guitar lesson with Ben at 10:30 (I am fairly certain we are still doing that at 10:30, at least), then home, then work at 5.

Saturday: Work at 8 (yuck), then nothing. Someone should plan something fun. Maybe I will see if some people want to go to a movie. Or maybe I will just sleep.

You may or may not have wanted to hear a play-by-play for what the rest of my week would look like, but there you go.

The only thing I am not pumped about as far as working at Panera is having to wear a polo and khakis. Ewww. Not my thing. Cute on other people, weird on me.

I wonder if I am allowed to have crazy colored hair when I work for Info2Go. Hmmmm...

Alright. Sleep now.

Mara Tenille
The Butterfly

It's so good to know I've got a friend like you...

2009-06-15T09:45:00.001-07:00

Hello! I just woke up a little bit ago. I am sitting in my living room watching Rachel Rae with my family. I don't know why we are watching this, but we are. I am also playing games on my laptop. And blogging!

Last night we got back from the Senior High retreat. It was a good retreat. I had a lot of fun, and I think everybody got along really well and had a good time. White Water Rafting was awesome, and climbing was great, although I wish I had climbed more. The beach was nice even though I didn't swim. It was really good to just sit in the sun.

I have a really rockin' bruise on my leg from falling on a rock. Just thought you should know. It's amazing.

Tomorrow morning I have orientation at Panera. I can't remember if I need my uniform or not, so I am just going to wear it in case, and I think I need my Social Security card and my license. Can't forget that.

Now I am going to be done blogging, because I am sleepy, and I don't feel like writing anymore.

Mara

I'm poor, I'm starving, I'm flat broke, I've got no cash to spend...

2009-06-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

I got a job today! Woo hoo! I am now Panera's newest employee. Next Tuesday at 10am I have orientation, and then the following Monday I have to go down to Planet Bread and learn how to make bread, I guess. I also need to buy some polos and khaki pants. I only own one pair of khaki pants and no polos, and the pants aren't up to dress code anyway, and they are just sort of ugly. So that needs to happen before I go to that bread place, because I have to be in uniform for that. Then I get a nametag and a hat and an apron. Hahaha. That is hilarious to me.

Today is Wednesday. Hmmm. I don't know what that means. I did not have guitar lesson with Erick today, because we had it last week, and we are on our every-other-week-because-it's-summer schedule. I also don't have small group, because that got wrapped up two weeks ago. And that is all that my Wednesdays used to be filled with, so I guess today is just another day full of random nonsensical semi-planned-but-mostly-not activities that have yet to take the form of some sort of routine.

www.bethinking.org - Just found this on somebody's Facebook. Looks pretty neat so far. Just thought I'd point it out.

Tomorrow we are leaving for the Summer Retreat. It should be fun.

Well, I am going to continue killing time by doing something else now. I can't think of anything else to write about.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I...

2009-06-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

This blog is going to be sort of short.

This afternoon I am leaving to go to Okoboji and Elise's graduation party with Sierra and Emily. Hopefully it will be lots of fun. It is supposed to be cold and rainy all weekend, which is a bummer, but we will find ways to entertain ourselves even if it isn't warm enough to swim.

I still need to pack.

Next week we leave for the Summer Retreat! I am excited. Hopefully it is nice weather for that, too. Rock climbing + white water rafting = the best.

I need to get a planner really badly. I keep forgetting about things. I have to have some semblance of a routine in order to remember anything, so once school got finished my organizational skills went down the drain or something. Ugh.

This weekend will be nice.

Mara

Say when, and my own two hands will comfort you tonight...

2009-06-01T12:31:00.001-07:00

Today is a weird day. The last couple of days have been weird, actually. I am just sleepy and boring all the time or something. I don't know what my deal is.

This week I am getting my new laptop. I also have to pay for the senior high retreat. Those two things mean that by the end of the week basically all of my college money will be gone. I need a job.

Tomorrow our summer small groups start. I think it is going to be good. We are studying 1 Thessalonians. I haven't ever studied it, but today I am going to read it through so I can get an idea of what we'll be talking about and whatnot.

I want to make some Cake Mix cookies for my family, but I don't think we have any chocolate chips. That is sort of a bummer. Maybe I will go get some or something.

I need to do some crunches. So I have rockin' abs for the summer. You know, because you can see them under my old lady swim suit. Not.

Ummmmm. I don't think I have anything else to say. If I think of anything substiantial I will just blog again later, I suppose.

Mara

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale...

2009-05-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the Taylor Swift. It was stuck in my head.

I am sleepy from my drugs.

Had my last two wisdom teeth out today. It was not as terrible as I expected, which was nice. I have been hungry sort of all day though, and I'm not sure if that is just because I haven't really eaten very much at once or the drugs or what. Anyway, no throwing up this time, which was good. I have been popping my pain killers regularly (well, twice now) but it hasn't really hurt much so far. I am just ready for my face to not be numb anymore. It's not a very big spot that is numb still, but it is annoying, and I feel like I keep chewing on my lip accidentally.

Andrew came over today to keep me company. We watched the first 2 X-Men movies. I love those. He also brought me a surprise. While Rick and Rich and Brandon were in New Orleans, Andrew had them look to see if they could get another mask like the one I had for prom, and they did! I was so excited. I was sort of groggy, so I hope Andrew didn't think I wasn't really happy. That was so sweet of him, and I am so excited to finally (sort of) have my mask back.

Tomorrow is Manda and Chad's garage sale. If I am not still on drugs I want to go to it, but obviously if I'm still popping Darvocet I will not be driving anywhere. So, hopefully that will work out. I hope they sell lots of stuff.

I had some delicious food today. I ate lots of applesauce and Jell-O and pudding. I ate some normal food, too, but not a lot because my face was stil numb enough that chewing took lots of concentration.

I am getting closer to picking a laptop. I am excited about that.

Oh yes! My graduation party was lovely. I think everyone had lots of fun. I was pretty tuckered out from talking to all those people, but it was still good. I am not much of a small talk person. Talking about worthless things is a lot of work for me. But all in all, everything went really well. And the food was delicious. And the decorations were cute. And I had a good time.

Well, now I am going to play some Klondike with my iPod and then go to sleep. Love you all!

Sincerely,

Mara Tenille

I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream...

2009-05-20T16:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my last day of high school classes. Ever. In my entire life. High school is over. Childhood is over. Now I have to be a grown-up. *sigh* That makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Today was the Senior Banquet. It was pretty boring, but still nice to get to be with my friends and eat free food. Yummy sandwhiches. It was a pretty good time.

Last night my family and Andy, Andrew, and Josh went to the Ledges for a fun little hike. It was lots of fun. We were playing in the water that goes over the road in one spot, and some cars drove through really fast and soaked us. Then I was cold, but it was still lots of fun. I like hiking a lot.

Tomorrow night I am going to the Harms' for dinner and to watch Lost with Emily. She is catching up so she can watch the season that just wrapped up. I have only seen the first and second seasons, so I am probably more annoying than anything, because I just ask questions about what is happening to fill myself in. Someday I will actually watch all of it, but for now, I am satisfied with having other people tell me what is going on. I am not one of those "NO YOU CAN'T TELL ME ANYTHING UNTIL I HAVE SEEN IT OH EM GEE" people, which is kind of nice.

Friday is my graduation party. Ohmyword. I am really excited, but it is going to be a lot of work. I hope I didn't pick out too many pink decorations. I like pink. I really do. But I don't like how tacky pink can become. So I really hope my party isn't tacky. Maybe I should have incorporated more orange and green. Oh well.

Sincerely,

Mara Tenille

Life, could you be a little softer to me? Life, could you be more gentle to me?

2009-05-10T21:14:00.001-07:00

This world is hard
It's cruel
And I wish it would be
Softer, softer, softer
Softer to me

I am disappointed and hurt. And I'm not going to tell you why. Sorry to do that whole leave-everybody-hanging-with-nothing-to-go-on thing. I am going to go ahead and pretend for a while that since this is my blog I am entitled to be selfish when I write in it. So, I am telling you how I feel, without telling you why. I hope you can live with that and not die from gossipyness or curiosity or whatever. If you are genuinely concerned, then thank you, it means a lot, and everything really is alright and it's going to be okay. The world isn't ending or anything.

Sometimes it feels like I have spent all these years trying so hard to be lovable and to be a person who is good enough to have friends that want to be around me, that want to be there for me and that want to be trustworthy and reliable and honest. And what was the point? I am still where I was five or six years ago when I moved here. I have not found the sort of friends in my peers that I had hoped to find. The other people my age haven't clung to me the way I cling to them. They don't need me the way I need them. Maybe my expectations are unreasonable, or maybe I am just not trying hard enough. I mean, I have lots of good friends, but it doesn't seem like they are invested in me the way I invest in them. I am so intentional about being friends with them and committing myself to them and trying to grow close to them, and it is looking a lot like that is just foolishness to expect that same thing in return. I am just terrible at being friends with people anyway, no matter how hard I try to be the sort of person who people will want to be friends with. I am still just Mara, who is way too intense and who says insensitive things without thinking about it and who tells it like it is a little too often and who doesn't understand the giggling and flitting around thing that girls are supposed to do and who doesn't like doing anything social and who is out of touch with the emotions of the people around her, etc, etc, etc. Maybe people just don't see past that and into the person who desperately needs to be needed. Maybe that is just all that is there. Or maybe they just all have their own friends, and do they're just not looking for new ones. In a way, I've given up. High school is over, and so I am done investing so much in relationships that are barely there to begin with. I love all my friends very dearly. They are wonderful people. But there are other people out there, and I have other people who are investing in me the way I tried (and failed) to invest in my peers, and who either haven't caught on to my issues or just don't care that much about them. Granted, those people are all adults. But if that is who I have, then that is just how it is. And I want to give to people who are giving back, too. I hope this doesn't sound terrible and make people think I am horrifically cynical or that I've been treated like crap for six years, because that isn't the truth. Well, actually I am pretty cynical, but I think I try to counteract that with logic and reason and whatnot.

My logic in regards to the above paragraph: I will probably not feel so much like this in a few days, and tomorrow I will probably feel like a fool for saying all this on my blog, so don't be too worried or anything.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I think.

We got a sweet game today. It's called Rush Hour, but it's the Safari edition, so instead of cars you have little animals. It is pretty awesome. Me and Patrick and Mattjones played it at youth group tonight.

My brain has not been functioning well at all the past several days. Just so everyone knows. I hope I am not getting sick or anything. If I have said anything stupid or forgotten anything important (or not important too, I guess) or done anything that didn't make sense, I am not surprised, and I'm very sorry if I messed anything up. I am just going insane or something.

I need to try and sleep now. And write letters, because I am behind with that.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille

I'm waiting for tonight, then waiting for tomorrow, because I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream...

2009-05-03T12:56:00.001-07:00

Today this is my song.

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And no, I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head, but underneath my feet
Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Because I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Because I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Yesterday was a lovely day. The Borems came and had lunch with me and Mom, which was a lot of fun. They are really wonderful people, and I like them a lot.

Andrew, AKA the best boyfriend in the whole world and in all the other planets too, came over last night and surprised me. We watched a movie. That was also lovely.

Today I am in a weirdish mood. I am feeling this song, for some reason. I am angry and happy and frustrated and thrilled and upset and pleased all at the same time. My life is going in two totally different directions simultaneously, it seems.

I am slightly miffed because I lost my portfolio letter, which is my last paper for Comp. So I am writing that now. I really only lost a page or two of progress, so I will survive, but you know. It's still irritating.

Sincerely,
Mara Tenille, the Butterfly Child

I can't see tomorrow, but I'll see you tonight...

2009-04-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.purevolume.com/maratenilledickens

http://www.myspace.com/maratenilledickens

There. Are you all happy with me?

The Butterfly Child

Take my hand to the Promised Land, on you I want to stand, because I cannot do this on my own...

2009-04-28T12:14:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days that seems to keep bouncing back and forth between amazing and awful. *laugh* Right now it is a good day. I will explain.

So, today I went to school. That was uneventful. Then I came home and then I left again. I was later than I wanted to be, so I was already sort of uppity. I went to the bank and then managed to cash the check that I had meant to deposit, so that was a little bit embarrassing and ridiculous, but then I eventually managed to sort it all out by cashing everything and then depositing some of the cash. So, that worked out fine actually, but it felt like a disaster. Then, as I was peeling out of the parking lot (not really) the cash that I had just gotten flew off of the little cupholder thing and onto the floor in front of the passenger seat. So, I was like "Oh snap! I am an idiot!" and then I sort of freaked out. So, I stopped to get some Nectar of the Gods, known to most as Mountain Dew, from the fountain at Casey's and went to pick up the money off the floor and I couldn't find the ten. The $20 was there, and the photo from prom that I will talk about later, and so I was flipping out all over myself. Then I went in to get my delicious cup of heaven, and then came back and I looked and the $10 was stuck up above the little drawer under the passenger seat. So then I was happy again. Then I went to Sally Beauty to get some nail polish, and it was Buy 2 Get One Free! And since I was planning on buying two anyway, that was pretty fantastic. However, throughout my time in Ankeny I inadvertently drove rather maniacly, so then I felt stupid again. Then I also realized that I already bent the picture that Andrew and I had taken at prom, and I've only had it since this morning, so I was man. And now I am in class and happy because my papers are done and I have Mountain Dew. The end.

Now that that is out of the way, I will talk about other stuff.

Only a few more days of DMACC and I am done for the year. That is awesome.

The Olson's are here! Yay!

I miss Andrew terribly.

My rockin' awesome graduation bonfire is on Friday, May 22nd at 7. You should come!

Sincerely,

Mara Tenille

Look around for the closest to blame, but look no further than the hands beneath your arms...

2009-04-23T12:15:00.001-07:00

Right now I am in Comp. It isn't as boring right now as it usually is, because we are writing a paper. I already started it so I am not feeling a terrible need to work on it at the moment, although I am being diligent. I am just taking a break for the sake of regaining some inspiration.

Tonight I am going to a magic show with my ASL friends. I am actually kind of excited. I say "actually" because I haven't been, up until now. I went back and forth about whether or not I should go for the whole week, and finally decided today. I think it is going to be fun. It is a deaf magician, and he is going to be in Des Moines performing for all the deaf kids. I think it is going to be really neat to see.

This week I learned about paper pinhole cameras. I am going to try and make one, I think. I am sure it is a little bit over my head, but it would still be fun to try, and I have some film sitting around left over from my photography class last semester.

I don't think that getting old will bother me. [/random]

Well, I just decided to be finished with my paper for the class period. We're done in a few minutes, and I made some good progress considering I really only worked on it for about 1/2 an hour.

And now class is over. Bye!

Mara

Faith left me staring at the ceiling through the night, it's freaking me out...

2009-04-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

What is with me? Seriously! I am exhausted all day, and then I can't sleep at night. I spend the whole afternoon tired and ready for a nap, and then it finally gets late enough that I can sleep and I find a thousand things to keep me up, or no things and just awakeness. I don't understand. Maybe once school is over I will become nocternal, because this is getting ridiculous.

I had the respiratory flu most of this week. I woke up Sunday morning with a fever, and it lasted until Thursday. Since then I have felt much better, but I am still coughing and still tired.

I guess that is the whole update.

Mara

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you...

2009-04-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

Okay. I have not blogged in a very long time. So, here is a breakdown of the last while.

Prom was wonderful. I had such an amazing time. The dance was way more fun and way less perverted than my friends had made it sound, and although the first hour kind of dragged, we were definitely not ready for it to be over once 11:30 rolled around. However, we were soon off to post prom, which was also a lot of fun. We bowled and played some games and won some rockin' prizes. I won a digital camera, which is really awesome, because my old one was pretty lame. Andrew and Jessica each won some iPod speakers, and Greg won a 19" flat screen TV. I don't remember if anyone else won anything other than t-shirts and coupons and stuff. Coupons are lame prizes, by the way. If you are ever planning a post prom, don't use coupons as prizes, unless they are really cool coupons. 20% off your bill at Perkins does not equal cool.

Hmm. What else has happened since prom. I don't know. Probably just random, uneventful things. I am not really thinking too clearly, because I currently have the respiratory flu. I have a low fever and I keep coughing up my lungs. It's not really very fun, but I will get over it eventually. I didn't go to school today, which was pretty nice. I was supposed to go hang out with Gabe today, but it doesn't look like that will happen unless my fever is gone and I can convince Mom, which is highly unlikely.

Wendesday I have my third and final video check due in ASL. I hope I don't do as crapfully on this one as I did on the last one.

On Saturday I am going to Eli's tee ball game! Yay! I am super excited for that, actually. I think Andrew is maybe going to come with me so I don't have to drive to Des Moines alone.

Well, I am going to go and find some food and make some cappuccino and do homework. I have a lot to get done. Hopefully I will be able to nap for awhile, too. That would be good.

Sincerely,
The rather ill Butterfly

PS) Cafe Diem and Blinks have not gotten back to me. I will stop in to Cafe Diem sometime soon though, and I will see if Ben still has all of his Blinks connections. I am trying to be proactive.

When you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

2009-04-01T12:41:00.001-07:00

I emailed Blinks and Cafe Diem yesterday and asked if they would be interested in having a local musician play some shows for them and donating the proceeds to Mikayla. I have not heard back from either of them, and I'm not even sure that the Cafe Diem email is being used anymore, but it is a start. Soon I will stop in at Cafe Diem and just ask them in person. But right now I am not really ready for that kind of commitment. *laugh* The idea of playing again kind of scared me a little bit. I don't know why. It just does.

I am a sleepy child.

Right now I am listening to Coldplay. Good stuff.

Now I need to get my bread ready to go.

Mara

Hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand, no one else could understand, you are my anchor...

2009-03-28T11:58:00.001-07:00

Andrew is coming over. He is going to be here any time now, I think. So this is just a quick blog update to tell you all my activities of late.

Today me and Andrew and Josh and Peter and probably Patrick are going to see Atombender at Blinks. I am really excited to go. I haven't seen Ben since our band stopped playing, and it's their CD release party. It's going to be lots of fun. Plus, we're going to Hickory Park for dinner beforehand. Delicious.

Yesterday I chilled at home. It was nice. I finished Mikayla's hat. It is a wicked sweet hat, and I really want to steal it. I am going to make my own once I find some yarn I like. Hers is baby blue. I have enough yarn that I could definitely make another, so I could just do that.

My hair is dyed again. It's almost black. But it's actually just dark brown. I think I like it.

Prom is in exactly one week! I am so excited. It is going to be so much fun. My dress rocks, and my jewelry rocks, and my long black gloves are going to rock once they finally get here, and my shoes rock, and my hair had better rock or else I'll be mad, and everything else will rock.

The basement is cold.

Sincerely,
Mara

And all these bad dreams, I wake up to the light, and when I can't see, I wake up to your eyes...

2009-03-27T10:27:00.001-07:00

I want to say thank you to all the people that have reached out to me over the last few weeks. I have needed all of you so badly, and I have felt so alone, and the few people that have seen that have really been amazing. I love you guys, and I still need you.

The song lines that are on my heart:

There's an angel by your hospital bed
Desperate to hear his name on your breath
As he looks down, you're not making a sound

Open your eyes, look at me
I'll bring to you whatever you may need
And I'll tell you I'm sorry that I can't take this pain away from you
I'd put it on my own body if I knew how to
Can't you see?

It's testing the strong ones
Scarring the beautiful ones
It's holding your loved ones one last time

~ Copeland Testing the Strong Ones (#75)

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you everything would be alright
If I'd see you, this darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes, and know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

~ Lifehouse Storm (#67)

Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back, you know the past will stay.
It's you and me, we could get out of here.
Jump in and go and we could drive for years.
We could feel alive

~ Mae Summertime (#18)

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

~ Underoath Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape (#38)

Back to where we started, losing who we were
Everybody knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up

~ Copeland Chin Up (#68)

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?"
He said, "Ask anything."

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone
That never rang, and all I needed was a call
That never came to the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You've got some kind of nerve taking all that I want

~ The Fray You Found Me (#74)

And all these bad dreams
I wake up to the light
And when I can't see
I wake up to your eyes

Wake me up

There's a light up ahead

~ Further Seems Forever There's A Light Up Ahead (#55)

I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters...

2009-03-22T14:11:00.001-07:00

Am I angry at God? Not usually. Sometimes? Yes. Sometimes I am livid. It should have been me. It makes no sense to me that an 8-year-old little girl with a family who has followed God so closely would be allowed to go through the most terrifying ordeal I have ever been able to fathom. Sometimes I feel like God is a fool for letting that happen. I know that it is not true, but that is how it feels. I get so angry. And I know I am the fool, and I know that I don't understand what God is doing, but I want so desperately for it to all be over. I know that there is something bigger going on. But my heart is broken, and it is not going to mend for a long, long time.

New Orleans was quite nice. We worked hard and we had a lot of fun. I got to talk to Mikayla on the phone and on Skype, which was hard, and good, and provoked a meltdown that I had sworn I would avoid. But it was good. I got my mask for prom, too. It's really pretty. We got back to the church at 1:30 this morning and we were home by 2. So I am quite sleepy. There are lots of pictures, and they will all most likely be on Facebook within the week, so I will be sure to post a link to the albums.

Today I am starting my second hat knitting project. I am praying that I don't screw it up and ruin it. You can pray that too, if you want.

Does anyone have a webcam sitting around that they feel like selling to me? I am going to go look for a cheap one so I can use it to Skype Mikayla, but if someone has one they don't want, let me know.

I need a nap.

The stars are alive, they dance to the music of the deepest emotion...

2009-03-11T20:52:00.001-07:00

Raise your hand if you google the titles of these blogs to see what song they are from.

If I were you, I would google them, because I think that stuff is interesting. I don't google them though, because I pick them, and that would just be silly.

I started Mikayla's hat again. This time I hope it works. I will be really sad if it doesn't.

I wish I didn't have to do school anymore. I am ready to be done with homework forever. Laaaaaammmmme.

I have a trig test tomorrow. I hope I actually understand what I am doing. I think I do. Hopefully.

Wow. I apparently have nothing to say that has any substance. Maybe I am just in emotional overload. I bet that's why.

I wanted to go to the Harms today but I had too much to do, so I couldn't. That makes me sad. I really wishI could have. *sigh*

I need to go and get some sleep before I explode or something.

Mara