If you know very much about my life in the past year, you know that last fall I developed an obsession with Ohio. Specifically the Columbus area, as many of my dearest friends live there. That place is like a Mara magnet, and sometimes I feel it pulling me back, even after only having spent a couple of spur-of-the-moment long weekends out there. I don't really know why. It's weird and crazy. I just love the place, and I think part of me stayed there when I left.
I once planned to move there. I prayed through it and told God that I'd hold it with an open hand, being available if he wanted something different from my life, but ultimately feeling that, if my circumstances remained the same much longer, the best thing I could do would be to pack up and leave my old life behind.
Not long after I prayed that, God threw some things my direction that made it pretty clear there was more life left for me in Des Moines. That meant giving up on Ohio. I'd known it was possible things would play out that way, although I really hadn't thought it to be likely. It was surprisingly not that hard, because there were some new and exciting things happening, but every once in a while I have moments of doubt, and I consider whether or not going to Columbus for a fresh start would have been the adventure I'd imagined. Whenever I start to think that way though, I remember that I chose to stay here, and I remember why, and I realize that I may have sacrificed a good thing but in the end I got a pretty good thing in return.
All that to say, I feel like lately I've learned that to live means to give things up. Things you might really want. Things that might legitimately be a good option for your life, or things that may be fairly inconsequential but nevertheless must be sacrificed. Sometimes life throws a lot of possibilities at you and they all seem to be really interesting and beautiful, and you may pray for direction or for a sign or for whatever it is you think makes sense, and then it still never starts to clear up. Life is full of possibilities, and I knew that because I'd seen it cross stitched on pillows and such, but I don't know that I ever fully appreciated the fact that sometimes you have to decide what you're going to do, and that means giving up a lot of other things that you might also want to do.
Giving things up isn't very fun, I've learned, but I think that life gets a lot more terrible if you're focused on what you've given up instead of what you have in front of you. I could choose to focus on things I can't know, like whether or not I'd have been able to do tons of music or be part of a hippie house church or get a cool job doing something awesome had I started my life over in Columbus, but that really only makes me discontent with the life I have in front of me, which is, quite frankly, a pretty beautiful life. I have a job that I love doing every day, I get to play music in a little restaurant for two hours a week, I have a fun roommate who steals my shoes and doesn't care if I leave my dishes sitting around the house, I have a total crush on an amazing boy who loves me and my crazy bloggy ramblings and thinks I'm smart and beautiful, I pay my own bills and buy my own food and I still always have money left to grab coffee with a girlfriend or two every so often, I have lovely people all around me in my life, and I could continue. I have everything I want and more here. I will never know what I gave up to stay here, but I know that what I have now is beautiful and magical and amazing and worth it.
All this is probably kind of just a blur of words combined to make crazy run-on sentences, but I hope you know what I mean. Maybe you've learned this already, that life requires you to say yes to one thing and no to another before you can move forward. It isn't exactly news, I admit that. It's been on my mind though, and I want you to know that whatever choices you make in your life, or whatever God puts in front of you, you can always choose love. Love is always the right choice. It bears all, believes all, endures all, and we could all use to give a little more of it. In life, I want to choose love over all else, because I believe love changes the world and turns hearts away from themselves and towards Christ. So whatever you choose, whatever you give up, always do it in love and for love and because of love. It's really the greatest thing. I learn this more every day, when I see others choose it or when I choose it myself or when I see God choose it in everything He ever does.
Sincerely,
Mara Tenille, Butterfly Child
i feel like you always post things i need to read. and i like that.
ReplyDeletelately (especially today) i have been thinking about the life i left in illinois a year ago, and although i know i don't want it back, i still miss it and wish it were easier to visit my friends and keep them a part of my life. part of me still wants to be there with them and have that life, where you have 2-10 good friends around at all times and only have to worry about homework and art and a bubble of 4 years, but i don't know how healthy it is to wish that when i know i'm where i'm supposed to be now.
i have a good life now, and i know i wouldn't trade it. i have ohio, i have my family, i have the comfort of lifelong friends, i have a boy who is better than anyone i could have found anywhere else, i have a job i look forward to, and i'll be able to pay off my loans and start saving for the future without too much trouble. this life feels like my life, and i like that. i don't need to have a new life somewhere, however tempting that sounds sometimes.
it's just a matter of choosing between two good things. and even if one choice is better, that doesn't mean the other choice wasn't good too. but it really can start to take away from how content you are, if you let it.
i don't know why i am rambling so much. this comment is almost as big as your post. you just said what i've been thinking about, and said it really well. i miss your thoughts about life. :)
I love your comment and you can always say whatever you want for as long as you want! I think that's my main goal with blogging, to start discussion, and make people think more.
ReplyDeleteAbout 4 months ago I think, right between my second Ohio visit and when I started dating my dear Patrick, I spent a very large amount of time pondering the comings and goings of friendships and how they grow and change, and I realized that no matter how much you love them the way they are, or no matter how much you want the way things were to be the same forever and ever, people will still change when you're not looking, and you will lose friendships and have to move on, and that's very normal and healthy I think. I just have issues letting go, I guess, but it was a hard thing to come to terms with. Ironically, though, when I did figure that out, I think God really used it and worked with it to show me that there is always more going on than I think and as terrifying and humbling as it is that is actually a beautiful truth. God gave me a lot of beautiful things to replace the things I let go of, and they're things I wouldn't have been ready for if I hadn't really come to grips with all that about people changing.
I don't know if that's what you feel, but I think I understand what you mean. In the words of Switchfoot... Life is not what I thought it was.